Worry

I worry.

I worry that I've screwed up where you're concerned. Worry that you'll never again trust me with your deepest, darkest feelings because sharing them with me doesn't make things better, doesn't make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.

I worry that right now, while you claim to want to be alone with your thoughts, that you're actually sharing those thoughts with someone else, someone who doesn't make you feel less than you are, someone who listens with her heart and doesn't always try to fix things with words. Someone whose not a 10-hour bus ride away and who has no qualms about letting you inside her.

I worry.

I have a problem

D: Your Sex blog entry is completely wrong. I read the Marcus Borg e-mail, I saved the Marcus Borg e-mail, and most importantly (I went back and checked), I responded to the Marcus Borg e-mail thanking you for sending something that enlightens me and promising to get to your other e-mails this summer. But you don't remember that because you're so busy tearing me a new one for not reading the Marcus Borg e-mail, which I did. You're probably right on the money when you say that I'm afraid of getting really deep into religious discussion because I want to avoid the topic, but before you accuse me of not reading your e-mails, please get all the facts straight.

Me: I thought your email said you were putting all those emails aside (Marcus Borg included) to read sometime in the summer. Apparently, I misunderstood. Or misread. I apologize for mischaracterizing you.

Me: I don't mind you calling me out when I have made a mistake, but I really didn't appreciate the tone of this email.

D: I did that on purpose to convey how much I didn't appreciate you completely ignoring me telling you that I read the e-mail and appreciated it. That really pissed me off.

Me: I'm sorry I made you angry. And I'm sorry I didn't get my facts straight. I'll post your response later this evening.

D: I accept your apology.

Religious emails

What bothers me most about you not reading my emails on God is that it seems as if you are pushing God (and by default, the religious part of me) away, choosing to shut him (us) out like you did as a child in church all those years ago, sticking your fingers in your ears and going "La-la-la-la-la" for fear that what you hear might have some sort of effect on you.

I can understand you not reading the Search for Significance emails. The main principles are sound, but it has some fundamentalist viewpoints that cloud the message a bit. I always felt uncomfortable with those viewpoints but didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water. Besides, I didn't know how to explain the things of God to you in any other manner.

The Marcus Borg email, the most recent one I sent you, has a totally different feel to it. There's none of this "You are inherently evil so Jesus had to come to save your wretched ass so you can avoid the wrath of God" overtone. His focus is on God's unconditional love. Period.

I wanted to share that info with you. I felt you deserved a different perspective on what the spiritual life is like. And I wanted to discuss that perspective with you, but you haven't read the email yet. I have to be honest and say it hurts a little. I don't fully understand why it hurts, I just know that it does. I know in my head that ultimately it has nothing to do with me. But head knowledge doesn't always translate to heart knowledge.

One of my concerns is that my spiritual side will always be the part of me that you never truly get. And as a result, I will never be able to connect with you in any significant way on matters of religion. And it will be my cross to bear as if it were some sort of punishment for marrying a man that didn't share my spiritual perspective. But that says more about me and my lingering warped views about God than it does about you.

I'm hoping that patience, tolerance and mutual respect will help us to conquer such obstacles. I must admit that those characteristics are not fully developed in me yet, so the road may be bumpy for us in this area for quite some time. But if you're willing to hang in there with me, I'm certainly committed to making it work. Maybe I'll even get to the point where I don't care so much about those emails.

Happiness

D: How I sometimes feel about pursuing happiness.

Me: I kind of felt like that while at lunch today. I was sitting in a booth across from two co-workers. I listened as the woman talked about her computer related career. I felt like that should be me in that situation, but for a variety of reasons, it is not. Of course, there are some things I could have done differently after I graduated college. I could have been more determined, possessed a little more stick-to-it-tiveness. But I also lay some of the blame at God's feet. Of all the computer programming interviews I went on, God could have moved someone to see the diamond in the rough, to view me favorably, to give me a chance. A chance was all I really needed. I know I could have done that job and done it well. But instead, happiness landed in the lap of someone else. And they were sitting across from me in a restaurant today.

I let myself stay in that place for a minute or two, but I had to move on. I don't know what the answer is other than to keep pursuing what we think will make us most happy, and finding a way to enjoy the journey. If we can catch up to that elusive little sucker called Happiness (or Success), then great. If not, maybe we'll have some fun along the way.

All the Ways I Am Feeling Off Today

• First off is our canceled phone date last night. What bothered me the most is that I was even bothered at all. I understand that the world shouldn't revolve around me, but that doesn't seem to keep me from feeling disappointed when it doesn't. I wish I were more mature in this area.

• I woke up this morning not feeling very motivated to exercise or eat healthy. I did neither today.

• The phones started ringing off the hook almost from the moment I stepped foot in the office this morning. I was noticeably bitchy to all who dared to call me.

• I have never violated God's "Thou shalt not murder" commandment, but I make a habit out of killing my fellow man with my words. Everyday. Despite starting the day by making a vow not to do so. Not exactly a Christian virtue.

• Of course, there was the incident at lunch that I emailed you about. I decided that the best way to combat the unpredictability of success and happiness is with the concreteness of setting goals. I reaffirmed some modest career objectives that I want to achieve this year -- taking 2 more writing classes and continuing to submit my work for publication at a frequency of once a month.

• The book I ordered for the church book club came in today and I started reading it this evening. The book is a memoir of Reynolds Price, a Duke English professor who contracted spinal cancer and is now confined to a wheelchair. It's not a book that I would normally read because of the depressing subject matter, and because I struggle with thoughts of impending doom with regards to my future. Books like this just feed into those fears and insecurities.

• Last but not least, your job's uncanny ability to fuck up my Saturdays at the worst possible time.

Thoughts on us

Me: It bothered me when you revealed that you stare at the girl from work. In my mind, it's one thing to recognize when a woman is attractive, and even to find yourself attracted to her. It's quite another to undress her with your eyes. It made me think, Do I want my husband engaging in that kind of behavior when I'm not around? I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to stare down another woman if I'm not in the vicinity; I'm just saying that it bothers me. It also made me wonder, after spending weeks drooling over this woman, if she were to make a pass at you, would you resist or would you cave in to that desire that has been stoked inside you? And would this happen before or after the wedding vows? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm seeing this situation through the eyes of a woman instead of a man. I know that men are visual creatures. I can remember how W. would practically break his neck trying to check out a pretty lady. But I also know how much he loved his wife, and I can never imagine him cheating on her. But I still don't like the behavior. At the same time, I don't want my issues to ever stop you from being completely open and honest with me. If we're ever going to make it as a married couple, we have to be willing to be totally honest with one another. I think the truthfulness, even though it may be uncomfortable sometimes, will make us stronger.

And speaking of truthfulness, I should be honest and admit that there has been one instance where I have been somewhat tempted since we've started dating. The first time I went to Neru's blog, I thought he was intelligent and witty, and was immediately attracted to his personality. When we started IMing, I would catch myself innocently flirting with him, and enjoying his attention more than I should. I recognized this could be a dangerous situation if it were to get out of hand, and I tried to keep the relationship platonic. That was about the time he showed his ass, and that was the end of that. If you haven't noticed by now, Awii has a harmless crush on me as well, but I'm not attracted to him in a romantic sense. To his credit, he has been nothing but respectful of our relationship, and has treated me like a sister. We have managed to forge a mutually beneficial, platonic friendship. I can see Awii and I meeting in person someday, and, even though he is not your "type", I would love it if he could be friends with both of us.

I have been thinking today about what I am looking for in a man spiritually. I think it's safe to say that I am no longer that strict fundamentalist I once was. I'm even more relaxed in my beliefs than when we first met. So, if I'm not looking for some ultra-devout, hyper-conservative, on the verge of becoming a minister type of man, then what am I looking for? I don't know, but the conversation we had a week or so ago where we talked about whether my job changes were an indication from God that I should move to Chicago -- I really enjoyed that brief but honest exchange. What I liked most was that we weren't talking about God in the context of just me and my life, but we were talking about God in the context of us. That meant a lot to me.



D: I'm always grateful for your honest thoughts. I certainly don't ever want to get to the point where I feel like I have to hide the things I'm thinking from you, because that is truly the slippery slope that starts the habit of keeping secrets. I don't think there's anything I have to keep from you, and that can only help our relationship develop. I don't feel like I'm really undressing that girl at work with my eyes. I know there's not much of a difference between undressing her with my eyes and noticing her every day, but there is. I wasn't going into fantasies about her or obsessing over her, like I would a few years ago. I was thinking briefly about what would happen if she forcefully came on to me, but it's not like I think about that a lot. I was just mulling it over. As for Neru, I'm not surprised that you had an attraction for him because from reading his comments, he seems like one of those guys who cultivates an image meant to attract women. I mean, who makes his profile picture a closeup of his mouth? I'm not upset or worried because you're smart enough to engage in playful flirting without going too far, and you're honest enough to let me know if you want to go farther with someone else. And as far as what God has in store for us, I'm taking the view that I'm letting God dictate what happens and just doing what I'm doing. So I really was asking you what plan you think God has for us, because I don't know if I would see it clearly even if it was right in front of me. All I can say for sure is, I'm not going anywhere, I may not know what the magic moment looks like where I think it's time for us to get married, but I'm anxiously awaiting that moment, and I don't want anything else.

Things I want to do to you

Kiss you long and deep for an hour like the day after our first kiss.

Hold you on my lap while kissing you (you won't kill me, I promise).

Smear massage oil or baby oil between your breasts and slide my penis up and down.

Lick behind your kneecaps, on your inner thighs, and all parts of your vagina (as you sit on the couch or on the bed or on a table, so that I can get an angle that won't make my nose run).

Stand erect (!) while you sit on the couch and pleasure me orally.

Make love to you all day.

And, most importantly: Look in your eyes and tell you I love you.

I miss you, Angel.