D: Not necessarily. I think we're both kinda waiting to see each other's angry side or when we're in a bad mood, but maybe this will be one of those relationships like we dream about, where we can't get mad at each other because we love each other so much and don't want to upset our partner. Other than that, I don't think there's anything potentially in the way of us as far as getting to know each other. I think I know you very well, and I cannot get enough of you.
Me: To me, that is not a dream relationship. That is a recipe for creating repressed anger and resentment which is detrimental to any relationship. My dream relationship is one where we have disagreements, some of them major, but we resolve them in a healthy manner. That serves to build up the relationship instead of tear it down. So please, don't hold back from me because you don't want to upset me. Bring your issues to the surface so 1.) Anger and resentment won't build up and 2.) So that we can practice resolving issues in a healthy manner.
D: I respectfully disagree. I understand where you're coming from, but what I mean to say is, a dream relationship where we refuse to get angry or bent out of shape when a disagreement comes about because we know it's not worth it. I'm not talking about disagreeing with you but not bringing it up because I don't want to start a fight, I'm talking about continuing to love and cherish you while disagreeing with you and not making any issue a big deal because I'm just not able to get mad at you. That's my dream relationship. Is that holding back and repressing and I just don't see it?
Me: I do agree that you need to pick and choose your battles. And a lot of relationships/marriages would be better served if both parties chose not to sweat the small stuff. But I also honestly believe that two people in a healthy relationship should have battles from time to time. If you do not, then that is an indicator that something is wrong.
Scenarios Where I Would or Would Not Let an Argument Drop
- You leave your dirty underwear on the floor - I might let that go (meaning I'll bring it up but won't make a big deal out of it.)
- You make a big purchase without my consent. - I would not let that go.
- You monopolize the remote - I might let that go.
- You want to spend Christmas with your folks and I want to spend Christmas with mine - I would not let that go.
- You refuse to wear anything but white socks at all times - I. . .would eventually let that go.
- You feel I'm spending too much time at work and I feel that time is what my job demands. - I would not let that go and I hope you wouldn't either.
D: I think we both agree on the points and issues that are too big to ignore discussing, but I'm still not going to have arguments about any of that because we should be able to talk and come to conclusions about them. I just have a hard time imagining getting so mad at you that we have a long, ongoing disagreement about anything. I know we're not always going to see eye to eye on everything, but there's a difference between that and arguing in my opinion.
Me: I have to warn you though that when I get emotional, I may not always handle things in a mature manner and that may very well lead to arguments. I vow to try my darnedest to keep those incidents to a minimum, and apologize when I'm in the wrong. Eventually, I will calm down and be able to discuss things in a healthy and productive way. In the meantime, you may have to ride out the storm.
D: I will vow to try my darnedest to not take it personally, because that's my big weakness. You've already warned me that you can get emotional and heated, so it's not like I won't anticipate it happening. But in order to ride out the storm, I have to overcome the voices in my head that say, "See? She thinks you're scum just like everyone else, you loser." You wouldn't say that, but my brain filters criticism that way, which is probably why I want my ideal relationship to be argument-free, as unrealistic as that is.
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