I remember...

I remember how confident and beautiful I felt the day we met for the first time. (I have spent the last year and a half trying to recapture that feeling to no avail.)

I remember being just the right mix of calm and nerves.

I remember watching you come down the airport escalator.

I remember recognizing you and your Sean John jacket from the picture you sent me.

I remember the slight smile that came across your face when you first saw me.

I remember how your pace quickened as you were walking toward me.

I remember the tight and lingering hug you gave me and how it was almost too much physical contact for me to handle from someone I had just met one second ago.

As we walked to the car, I remember you staring at me as I was talking, surveying every inch of my face and body, taking me all in, mentally picturing yourself in a relationship with me.

I remember you folding your 6' 1" frame into my small, economy car.

I remember how uncomfortable I felt in your presence and us sitting on opposite ends of the couch.

I remember noticing that you had moved positions on the couch while I was in the bathroom in an effort to be closer to me.

I remember you wearing white socks and how that almost gave me pause.

I remember cooking you penne pasta for dinner. I remember that you liked it.

I remember how you went for a second helping of Caesar salad even though you said you didn't like salads.

I remember how uneasy I felt when you put your arm around me for the very first time.

I remember immediately tensing up and remaining tense for the duration of the movie we watched.

I remember how amused you were when the waitress at IHOP kept saying "y'all".

I remember how awkward I felt when the check came.

I remember wondering should he pay or should I pay?

I remember making the decision to let you pay.

I still remember the sting I felt when I realized that I had made the wrong decision.

I remember our visit to The National Civil Rights museum and how much I enjoyed interacting with you there. I even remember thinking that I could actually see us together.

But then hours later, as I was taking you to the airport, I remember freaking out over how uncomfortable I felt at times in your presence and wondering if it could ever work out.