Me: D. and I had a difference of opinion yesterday, and it is really bothering me. He is having a bit of financial trouble. The other night he mentioned that he was looking for a quick fix and was contemplating placing a sports bet. I kept quiet because he is a grown ass man with no ring on his finger, so he is free to do whatever he wants. But then, he asked me my opinion. I chose my words carefully and said that I didn't think that placing a sports bet was the answer for him. I added that I wasn't sure what the answer was, but I was 100% certain that it wasn't gambling. Well, he placed the bet anyway. I was so disappointed because I felt like he exercised such poor judgment. What I found even more disturbing is that he didn't see right away that it was poor judgement.
Oh yeah, and he lost the bet.
m., is there a red flag here that I need to be concerned about or am I making too much of this? Married couples are sure to experience some financial bumps in the road from time to time. I don't want my husband gambling our rent money away because he thinks he can get cash to pay the utility bill too.
He says, now that he sees how much of a negative effect it has on me, that he won't make those kinds of choices anymore. He also asked for my help in determining if he's using poor judgment since he may not always be able to see it. I am a believer that loved ones are going to hurt and disappoint you from time to time. We are all imperfect and need the freedom to fail every once in a while. Is this a wise approach in this situation? Or do I need to go into self-preservation mode?
m., is there a red flag here that I need to be concerned about or am I making too much of this? Married couples are sure to experience some financial bumps in the road from time to time. I don't want my husband gambling our rent money away because he thinks he can get cash to pay the utility bill too.
He says, now that he sees how much of a negative effect it has on me, that he won't make those kinds of choices anymore. He also asked for my help in determining if he's using poor judgment since he may not always be able to see it. I am a believer that loved ones are going to hurt and disappoint you from time to time. We are all imperfect and need the freedom to fail every once in a while. Is this a wise approach in this situation? Or do I need to go into self-preservation mode?
m: i'm not quite sure what to say except that im sorry that you're feeling however youre feeling. i know its a mixed up, jumbled sensation that leaves you in an impasse.
what's important to me is not that he did it, it's how he responds once he knows it bothers you. we all have and come with our own baggages and ways of dealing with struggles. some partake in risky behavior like drinking or doing drugs or being overly sexual. And unfortunately, some gamble. it's funny to me how he risks money that he doesn't have in an effort to gain more.
but I cant judge that. i've done the same thing before, and it scared me.
so, lets examine his behavior when he realized that you were not supportive of him. he said he would stop. okay, now the ball is in your court. you can choose to believe him until he proves himself not trustworthy...or you can deem him untrustworthy and never believe what he says again. his decision to listen -- and maybe he didn't listen right away -- makes me think that he respects your opinion and your judgement, and you should take advantage of his offer to help him see the error of his ways. i dont think you were being at all irrational about this because this is big. but he deserves a second chance about this...we all deserve second chances...and you are very mature with your thoughts and actions. i hope this helps. i empathize with you on this. and no, it isn't a red flag. it's a behavior. how he responds to your feelings is more of a determination, i think. let me know what happens.
love,
m.
ps: self-preservation mode? not yet.
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