I feel a lot of compassion for your situation, Angel, and I really appreciate that you've asked my advice.
D. is showing a lack of insight about gambling, so I agree with you that there is an addiction here. He says that he only has a problem when he loses, but he doesn't recognize that it isn't "gambling" unless you lose. If there were no losing, it would be called something different. He also says that he has to recognize that there's a problem before he gains benefit from treatment, and then admits that he sees no problem, so treatment wouldn't work. In that he is correct.
From your part of the conversation, I see how unsettling it is for you to be in a relationship where this dynamic is taking place. So let me urge you to take a deep breath and try to clear your mind for a few minutes.Now, here's something to consider.
You aren't married to him, or even engaged (as far as I understand it). This means you have enough distance to work it out with him and wait it out. You can afford to explain the nature of gambling (which is; No one wins all the time when they gamble. And seeing that this is a fact, D. will not do well as a gambler--because by definition, he must endure Losses as well as Wins in order to be a "successful" gambler.) You can also afford to let him suffer some more of the losses which will inevitably come, so he can see for himself that it is a sport that he cannot control. Any assets he loses are still his own, and not yours.
Again, you can afford to let D. journey through this because you two are not married. The consequences he faces in order to learn that gambling is a problem for him will not come from any joint assets the two of you share.
I see how his struggle affects your emotions. You identified it correctly when you said that you draw up into a self-protective ball. What I urge you to do is come out of that ball for love's sake. Actively and consciously fight your self-defense mechanisms because of love. And when I use the word "love", I mean it as a verb. Make a commitment to him. Say it out loud if you have to. You will love him because you want this to work, and so you will help him through to seeing the addiction for what it is. That means you will stay ahead of your fear & self-protection and keep giving him the attention, the support, and the information he needs to go where he needs to go, which is either to stop gambling or into recovery.
Again, you can remember that you have a safe distance to let him struggle with this. His failures will not take food off your table. And during this time, you can see for yourself if he comes to a very real understanding of his situation. You can judge the words he uses to describe his opinions of gambling (as he already has done) and see if they begin to represent insight for himself, and hope for you. You can take inventory of your own emotions to see how much you can bear along with him. What's really good about this is that he's being honest with you. It gives you an excellent opportunity to make the best choices for the both of you.
So out of love for the guy and your desire to make it work, my suggestion is to trade your fear for love and support. We both know that as long as you want a relationship with another human being, your heart is not guaranteed safety--but at least your finances still are.
Ultimately, you will come to the place where you will know for certain if;
1) He comes to understand what Gambling is,
2) He decides to quit or to continue
3) Your tolerance of gambling reaches its limit
Then you will know how to proceed with your life. But that information only comes after you've worked on this, and giving in to fear is the opposite of working on it. I'm learning that from all of you guys.
I'm sending a lot of support and strength your way, Angel. You've got someone in your corner who knows the struggle of fear and the difficulty of overcoming it. And it looks like D. is there in that corner with you too. How lucky are you? :-)
Dr. W
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