Worry

I worry.

I worry that I've screwed up where you're concerned. Worry that you'll never again trust me with your deepest, darkest feelings because sharing them with me doesn't make things better, doesn't make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.

I worry that right now, while you claim to want to be alone with your thoughts, that you're actually sharing those thoughts with someone else, someone who doesn't make you feel less than you are, someone who listens with her heart and doesn't always try to fix things with words. Someone whose not a 10-hour bus ride away and who has no qualms about letting you inside her.

I worry.

I have a problem

D: Your Sex blog entry is completely wrong. I read the Marcus Borg e-mail, I saved the Marcus Borg e-mail, and most importantly (I went back and checked), I responded to the Marcus Borg e-mail thanking you for sending something that enlightens me and promising to get to your other e-mails this summer. But you don't remember that because you're so busy tearing me a new one for not reading the Marcus Borg e-mail, which I did. You're probably right on the money when you say that I'm afraid of getting really deep into religious discussion because I want to avoid the topic, but before you accuse me of not reading your e-mails, please get all the facts straight.

Me: I thought your email said you were putting all those emails aside (Marcus Borg included) to read sometime in the summer. Apparently, I misunderstood. Or misread. I apologize for mischaracterizing you.

Me: I don't mind you calling me out when I have made a mistake, but I really didn't appreciate the tone of this email.

D: I did that on purpose to convey how much I didn't appreciate you completely ignoring me telling you that I read the e-mail and appreciated it. That really pissed me off.

Me: I'm sorry I made you angry. And I'm sorry I didn't get my facts straight. I'll post your response later this evening.

D: I accept your apology.

Religious emails

What bothers me most about you not reading my emails on God is that it seems as if you are pushing God (and by default, the religious part of me) away, choosing to shut him (us) out like you did as a child in church all those years ago, sticking your fingers in your ears and going "La-la-la-la-la" for fear that what you hear might have some sort of effect on you.

I can understand you not reading the Search for Significance emails. The main principles are sound, but it has some fundamentalist viewpoints that cloud the message a bit. I always felt uncomfortable with those viewpoints but didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water. Besides, I didn't know how to explain the things of God to you in any other manner.

The Marcus Borg email, the most recent one I sent you, has a totally different feel to it. There's none of this "You are inherently evil so Jesus had to come to save your wretched ass so you can avoid the wrath of God" overtone. His focus is on God's unconditional love. Period.

I wanted to share that info with you. I felt you deserved a different perspective on what the spiritual life is like. And I wanted to discuss that perspective with you, but you haven't read the email yet. I have to be honest and say it hurts a little. I don't fully understand why it hurts, I just know that it does. I know in my head that ultimately it has nothing to do with me. But head knowledge doesn't always translate to heart knowledge.

One of my concerns is that my spiritual side will always be the part of me that you never truly get. And as a result, I will never be able to connect with you in any significant way on matters of religion. And it will be my cross to bear as if it were some sort of punishment for marrying a man that didn't share my spiritual perspective. But that says more about me and my lingering warped views about God than it does about you.

I'm hoping that patience, tolerance and mutual respect will help us to conquer such obstacles. I must admit that those characteristics are not fully developed in me yet, so the road may be bumpy for us in this area for quite some time. But if you're willing to hang in there with me, I'm certainly committed to making it work. Maybe I'll even get to the point where I don't care so much about those emails.

Happiness

D: How I sometimes feel about pursuing happiness.

Me: I kind of felt like that while at lunch today. I was sitting in a booth across from two co-workers. I listened as the woman talked about her computer related career. I felt like that should be me in that situation, but for a variety of reasons, it is not. Of course, there are some things I could have done differently after I graduated college. I could have been more determined, possessed a little more stick-to-it-tiveness. But I also lay some of the blame at God's feet. Of all the computer programming interviews I went on, God could have moved someone to see the diamond in the rough, to view me favorably, to give me a chance. A chance was all I really needed. I know I could have done that job and done it well. But instead, happiness landed in the lap of someone else. And they were sitting across from me in a restaurant today.

I let myself stay in that place for a minute or two, but I had to move on. I don't know what the answer is other than to keep pursuing what we think will make us most happy, and finding a way to enjoy the journey. If we can catch up to that elusive little sucker called Happiness (or Success), then great. If not, maybe we'll have some fun along the way.

All the Ways I Am Feeling Off Today

• First off is our canceled phone date last night. What bothered me the most is that I was even bothered at all. I understand that the world shouldn't revolve around me, but that doesn't seem to keep me from feeling disappointed when it doesn't. I wish I were more mature in this area.

• I woke up this morning not feeling very motivated to exercise or eat healthy. I did neither today.

• The phones started ringing off the hook almost from the moment I stepped foot in the office this morning. I was noticeably bitchy to all who dared to call me.

• I have never violated God's "Thou shalt not murder" commandment, but I make a habit out of killing my fellow man with my words. Everyday. Despite starting the day by making a vow not to do so. Not exactly a Christian virtue.

• Of course, there was the incident at lunch that I emailed you about. I decided that the best way to combat the unpredictability of success and happiness is with the concreteness of setting goals. I reaffirmed some modest career objectives that I want to achieve this year -- taking 2 more writing classes and continuing to submit my work for publication at a frequency of once a month.

• The book I ordered for the church book club came in today and I started reading it this evening. The book is a memoir of Reynolds Price, a Duke English professor who contracted spinal cancer and is now confined to a wheelchair. It's not a book that I would normally read because of the depressing subject matter, and because I struggle with thoughts of impending doom with regards to my future. Books like this just feed into those fears and insecurities.

• Last but not least, your job's uncanny ability to fuck up my Saturdays at the worst possible time.

Thoughts on us

Me: It bothered me when you revealed that you stare at the girl from work. In my mind, it's one thing to recognize when a woman is attractive, and even to find yourself attracted to her. It's quite another to undress her with your eyes. It made me think, Do I want my husband engaging in that kind of behavior when I'm not around? I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to stare down another woman if I'm not in the vicinity; I'm just saying that it bothers me. It also made me wonder, after spending weeks drooling over this woman, if she were to make a pass at you, would you resist or would you cave in to that desire that has been stoked inside you? And would this happen before or after the wedding vows? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm seeing this situation through the eyes of a woman instead of a man. I know that men are visual creatures. I can remember how W. would practically break his neck trying to check out a pretty lady. But I also know how much he loved his wife, and I can never imagine him cheating on her. But I still don't like the behavior. At the same time, I don't want my issues to ever stop you from being completely open and honest with me. If we're ever going to make it as a married couple, we have to be willing to be totally honest with one another. I think the truthfulness, even though it may be uncomfortable sometimes, will make us stronger.

And speaking of truthfulness, I should be honest and admit that there has been one instance where I have been somewhat tempted since we've started dating. The first time I went to Neru's blog, I thought he was intelligent and witty, and was immediately attracted to his personality. When we started IMing, I would catch myself innocently flirting with him, and enjoying his attention more than I should. I recognized this could be a dangerous situation if it were to get out of hand, and I tried to keep the relationship platonic. That was about the time he showed his ass, and that was the end of that. If you haven't noticed by now, Awii has a harmless crush on me as well, but I'm not attracted to him in a romantic sense. To his credit, he has been nothing but respectful of our relationship, and has treated me like a sister. We have managed to forge a mutually beneficial, platonic friendship. I can see Awii and I meeting in person someday, and, even though he is not your "type", I would love it if he could be friends with both of us.

I have been thinking today about what I am looking for in a man spiritually. I think it's safe to say that I am no longer that strict fundamentalist I once was. I'm even more relaxed in my beliefs than when we first met. So, if I'm not looking for some ultra-devout, hyper-conservative, on the verge of becoming a minister type of man, then what am I looking for? I don't know, but the conversation we had a week or so ago where we talked about whether my job changes were an indication from God that I should move to Chicago -- I really enjoyed that brief but honest exchange. What I liked most was that we weren't talking about God in the context of just me and my life, but we were talking about God in the context of us. That meant a lot to me.



D: I'm always grateful for your honest thoughts. I certainly don't ever want to get to the point where I feel like I have to hide the things I'm thinking from you, because that is truly the slippery slope that starts the habit of keeping secrets. I don't think there's anything I have to keep from you, and that can only help our relationship develop. I don't feel like I'm really undressing that girl at work with my eyes. I know there's not much of a difference between undressing her with my eyes and noticing her every day, but there is. I wasn't going into fantasies about her or obsessing over her, like I would a few years ago. I was thinking briefly about what would happen if she forcefully came on to me, but it's not like I think about that a lot. I was just mulling it over. As for Neru, I'm not surprised that you had an attraction for him because from reading his comments, he seems like one of those guys who cultivates an image meant to attract women. I mean, who makes his profile picture a closeup of his mouth? I'm not upset or worried because you're smart enough to engage in playful flirting without going too far, and you're honest enough to let me know if you want to go farther with someone else. And as far as what God has in store for us, I'm taking the view that I'm letting God dictate what happens and just doing what I'm doing. So I really was asking you what plan you think God has for us, because I don't know if I would see it clearly even if it was right in front of me. All I can say for sure is, I'm not going anywhere, I may not know what the magic moment looks like where I think it's time for us to get married, but I'm anxiously awaiting that moment, and I don't want anything else.

Things I want to do to you

Kiss you long and deep for an hour like the day after our first kiss.

Hold you on my lap while kissing you (you won't kill me, I promise).

Smear massage oil or baby oil between your breasts and slide my penis up and down.

Lick behind your kneecaps, on your inner thighs, and all parts of your vagina (as you sit on the couch or on the bed or on a table, so that I can get an angle that won't make my nose run).

Stand erect (!) while you sit on the couch and pleasure me orally.

Make love to you all day.

And, most importantly: Look in your eyes and tell you I love you.

I miss you, Angel.

Hearing like a woman

No.

That was your answer to the question I asked. A simple and emphatic "No."

The word rang oddly in my ears. It came soon after the query was posed and with an emphasis that had a slight "thou-dost-protest-too-much" air about it. In addition, the negative response was offered with no additional clarification .

You didn't usually answer questions this way and I wondered if your reply was an attempt to deflect attention away from some other emotion or viewpoint that you were trying desperately not to reveal.

Are you sure?, I asked, hoping that the additional probing would bring out your true feelings.

I don't remember the exact words that made up your smart-alecky response, but I remember that they hit me like a right hook I never saw coming.

After I recovered from the verbal blow, I asked if you were mad at me. You said you were not, but couldn't understand why your "No" wasn't taken at face value.

I explained that I don't just listen to words. I use a whole host of clues, such as tone, voice inflection, facial expressions, mannerisms, etc., to judge the veracity of someone's statement. My brain is not capable of only processing words and their strict Merriam-Webster meanings. I hear much more deeply than that, much more intuitively.

I hear like a woman.

A different perspective

D: . . .And about your naughty blog, I'm a little confused as to how you figure watching a porno is worthy of punishment from God more than engaging in premarital sexual relations. I personally don't think either one is a function of anything more than human sexuality, but I don't get how you think that's so wrong. But I don't want to nag or criticize, I just wish you would be more accepting of yourself. If you need to talk, you know I'm here until noon. Love you baby.

Feeling bad - physically and spiritually

M: Hey, sugar. I read [on your other blog] about you not feeling well. How are u now?

Me: Sleepy! I was thinking about you last night when I couldn't sleep. I was thanking God that I have a friend in you and that He's used you to reveal parts of Himself to me.

M: That's so sweet! Thank you. . .I feel the same about you. I've been concerned about your health. This is the time when things get screwy. Besides sleepy, how else?

Me: The tiredness has robbed me of the energy to do things to better myself, like writing.

M: That can wait until u are feeling better.

Me: The messed up thing is, deep inside, I feel [my not being able to sleep] is punishment from God for watching a porno a couple of weeks ago. Is that messed up?

M: YES! What kind of relationship do you have w/God?

Me: A screwed up one apparently! And this from a chick who has an intellectual understanding of God's grace. But I can't seem to apply it fully to my life.

M: Because God's grace isn't intellectual darlin'. It's very spiritual, instinctual. U can't reason it out, u have to feel it & believe in it.

Me: I think that's my problem. I don't believe in it enough.

M: How's the boyfriend, D.?

Me: He and we are doing great. On my last visit I tried to deep throat him and almost threw up all over him!

M: Oh, no! It takes complete practice. . .and being very horny & heightened sexually. But it's so good!

Me: I plan to practice till I get it right! I'm sure D. will appreciate that. :)

M: Oh, totally! But he didn't reciprocate? Was the porn good that u watched?

Me: No, he didn't reciprocate! That's another story. The porn was Top Ten Gang Bangs (stop laughing!) #10 was really hot!

M: Gang bangs?!? You go, sexy babe!

M: What is your relationship like w/urself?

Me: I'm hard on myself. I judge myself by my performance more than I should and I half expect God to do the same.

M: God knows u better than u know urself. We need to talk, girl. U have time tonite?

Me: Yes I do! You just name the time.

Apology

D: I want to apologize again for not giving you oral sex. I had been talking about it and talking about it, but when it came time to try it, I decided I was too sore and tired. That's not fair. I wasn't too sore and tired to let you blow me, and I didn't care whether you were sore and tired or your nose was running or anything else. I was selfish, and I'm sorry.

Me: Apology accepted. We're both human and will behave as such from time to time. I want to be honest about my feelings and say that I was a little disappointed. I was so excited that my period came and went before my visit and I was looking forward to seizing the opportunity to venture into new sexual territory with you. If last month is any indication, the next time we see each other, I will probably be on my period again, which means my foray into the oral sex experience won't happen until June. Ultimately, I can live with that. It's not like I'm going to die from lack of cunnilingus.

Perceived untruths

Every once in a while, I'll think you've lied to me.

Nothing major, just small perceived untruths that I may have originally misheard or misunderstood.

And that's what I tell myself.

Most of the time, when I recall the situation, that explanation seems plausible, even likely. But sometimes, my imagination will get the best of me and I'll wonder if you haven't been completely honest with me and I'll worry that this is an indication that bigger misdeeds are being covered up.

I don't mean to doubt your integrity, but, occasionally, Miss Worst Case Scenario takes over and looks for reasons why this relationship is destined for failure, all in an effort to prepare my heart for the day when everything comes crashing down around me.

Eventually, I come to my senses and remember that lying has been inconsistent with your behaviour and your stated philosophy for our relationship. Ultimately though, I have no guarantees that you will never lie to me, but, until evidence strongly suggests otherwise, I will continue to make a conscious decision to trust you and I will tell myself that those perceived untruths are indeed misperceptions.

More mental stimulation

Me: I just had an awesome orgasm. I would have cum within the first 60 seconds of playing with myself but I made myself wait. It was good.

D: I had one myself about the same time. You gotta give me the secret as to what the hell makes you cum in 60 seconds.

Me: Blowjob videos on The Fellatrix. And thinking about sucking your dick.

D: We'll have to watch porn together when you visit.

Me: I'd rather have mental stimulation that came from you. I didn't watch the videos to get off. I watched them to get some pointers. But then I started thinking about blowing you and the next thing I know, I'm cumming all over my vibrator.

D: Mmm, lovely visual.

Mental Stimulation

Me: That's it! I need mental stimulation.

D: Well, we can certainly work on that. I feel like we're still somewhat strangers in the bedroom, and as a result, I'm not sure what to say when we're in the moment. I know there's certain things that are kinda vulgar that you don't want to hear, and I also know how you hate cheesy porn-type conversation, so I wind up not saying anything. But I'm definitely willing to work at figuring out what I can say and do to make you feel more wanted. Do you not feel like I want you when we're in bed?

Me: No, I know that you want me. I was just saying that in order to reach climax, I need a little mental stimulation. Like when I was pleasuring myself on the last day of your visit, I was fantasizing about giving you head and being your little oral love slave.

And where do you get the idea that I don't like porn-type conversation? I like what is an honest reflection of what you are feeling at the moment. Genuineness is what takes the cheesiness out of the dialogue and makes it hot!

Trouble in paradise, part 4: advice from Dr. W

I feel a lot of compassion for your situation, Angel, and I really appreciate that you've asked my advice.

I also feel a lot of clarity on this, precisely because I am that third party person, so I hope what I have to say is what you need.

D. is showing a lack of insight about gambling, so I agree with you that there is an addiction here. He says that he only has a problem when he loses, but he doesn't recognize that it isn't "gambling" unless you lose. If there were no losing, it would be called something different. He also says that he has to recognize that there's a problem before he gains benefit from treatment, and then admits that he sees no problem, so treatment wouldn't work. In that he is correct.

From your part of the conversation, I see how unsettling it is for you to be in a relationship where this dynamic is taking place. So let me urge you to take a deep breath and try to clear your mind for a few minutes.Now, here's something to consider.

You aren't married to him, or even engaged (as far as I understand it). This means you have enough distance to work it out with him and wait it out. You can afford to explain the nature of gambling (which is; No one wins all the time when they gamble. And seeing that this is a fact, D. will not do well as a gambler--because by definition, he must endure Losses as well as Wins in order to be a "successful" gambler.) You can also afford to let him suffer some more of the losses which will inevitably come, so he can see for himself that it is a sport that he cannot control. Any assets he loses are still his own, and not yours.

Again, you can afford to let D. journey through this because you two are not married. The consequences he faces in order to learn that gambling is a problem for him will not come from any joint assets the two of you share.

I see how his struggle affects your emotions. You identified it correctly when you said that you draw up into a self-protective ball. What I urge you to do is come out of that ball for love's sake. Actively and consciously fight your self-defense mechanisms because of love. And when I use the word "love", I mean it as a verb. Make a commitment to him. Say it out loud if you have to. You will love him because you want this to work, and so you will help him through to seeing the addiction for what it is. That means you will stay ahead of your fear & self-protection and keep giving him the attention, the support, and the information he needs to go where he needs to go, which is either to stop gambling or into recovery.

Again, you can remember that you have a safe distance to let him struggle with this. His failures will not take food off your table. And during this time, you can see for yourself if he comes to a very real understanding of his situation. You can judge the words he uses to describe his opinions of gambling (as he already has done) and see if they begin to represent insight for himself, and hope for you. You can take inventory of your own emotions to see how much you can bear along with him. What's really good about this is that he's being honest with you. It gives you an excellent opportunity to make the best choices for the both of you.

So out of love for the guy and your desire to make it work, my suggestion is to trade your fear for love and support. We both know that as long as you want a relationship with another human being, your heart is not guaranteed safety--but at least your finances still are.

Ultimately, you will come to the place where you will know for certain if;

1) He comes to understand what Gambling is,

2) He decides to quit or to continue

3) Your tolerance of gambling reaches its limit

Then you will know how to proceed with your life. But that information only comes after you've worked on this, and giving in to fear is the opposite of working on it. I'm learning that from all of you guys.

I'm sending a lot of support and strength your way, Angel. You've got someone in your corner who knows the struggle of fear and the difficulty of overcoming it. And it looks like D. is there in that corner with you too. How lucky are you? :-)

Dr. W

Trouble in paradise, part 3: a late night conversation

Me: I went to bed at 9pm, slept until about midnight before waking up and lying in bed for an hour. My mind has been racing the entire time, preventing me from going back to sleep. I struggle with the idea of telling you these feelings because I don't want you to use them to beat yourself up with. But these feelings overwhelm me sometimes and I have to get them out to someone. I can't think of one friend that I can share our struggles with because I don't want them to take this situation and make lasting, negative assumptions about you. None of my family and friends know you very well if at all. (This may be my fault or it may be the fault of the distance.) They have no frame of reference where you are concerned. They have no positive to weigh against the negative. I don't want the negative to be the only thing they know about you so I keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. It's a heavy burden. Although the feelings are difficult to shoulder on my own, I don't want to put any unnecessary strain on our relationship. What I want to know is do you feel you are at a place where you can handle hearing my innermost thoughts on us without your psyche taking a hit? If not, that's okay and perfectly understandable. I just need to know.



D: I may be fragile and dealing with stuff, but we've been trying to do things in a way where there's total honesty and communication. So I really need to know what those thoughts and feelings are. I don't think I can beat myself up any more than I have been, so it's not going to hit me too hard, I don't think.



Me: I was just sending you an email telling you that it's not as bad as I made it seem. I journaled about my feelings just now and looked at the words on the screen. I think you can handle it. Do you want to know them now or wait until you've had a good night's sleep?



D: You can send it now.



Me: This is my journal entry:

I want to learn to trust again. I want to love with abandon again. I want to be able to relax in this relationship again. I feel that I have to prepare myself emotionally just in case this relationship should end. This keeps me at a distance from D., I feel. It keeps me from loving him as well and as completely as I should because I'm holding something back, guarding my heart just in case. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to love like that. I don't want to be on guard all the time. Plus, no amount of worrying or self-preservation is going to have any affect on what may actually happen down the road. What will be will be. What will happen will happen. Why not love the best way I can now and deal with the circumstances as they arise later? I worry that this is the beginning of a slow unraveling of us. (There is so much power in this statement that I hate to even look at it on the screen.) It's also just as likely that it is not, that it will be the thing that makes us stronger. The problem is I don't know for sure. I have no guarantees about what is going to happen next and that's a little unnerving to say the least. I want to make this thing work. I want to think positively (but not pollyannaish) about it all so that I can be at peace. I want him here right now. I want to feel his reassuring arms around me. I want to hear him say, "We can do this." So difficult these relationships can be. But this is the part that I've said all along that I was waiting for, the part where I roll up my sleeves and get down to the business of making a relationship work. And not just survive but thrive. He has his issues to work through too, his own emotions. That's okay. We can work through this together. It is possible. I don't have to worry about the what ifs and the what if nots. Why do I resist journaling so? Why, when I am a mess of emotions, do I cringe at the thought of writing those emotions down, especially considering that it helps me? It's the only way I gain perspective. It's the only way that I can sort through my feelings and not feel so overtaken by them. This situation fed into my fears that everything is going to come crashing down around me. It rocked me to my core and I have to find my bearings. This is helping.



D: That is a sobering piece of writing, but I'm not going to beat myself up.

Yes, my actions caused this wave of fear in you that we're slowly breaking apart, but because you hung in there and insisted on conveying the message that gambling with no money is bad judgment, I have ceased my actions and taken a road that won't cause a bigger rift. I don't think I have the words to tell you how much that meant to me, and I'm sure that's a part of the problem, the fact that I haven't communicated with you how much you mean to me and how much your not getting angry meant to me. I think you did the exact right thing for me and for us--you firmly let me know that you couldn't respect and be in a relationship with a man who gambled without money, yet you still loved me and wanted to help me find other solutions for my financial woes. I expected anger and yelling, but I got tough love. Thank you for being the mature one.

Now, that said, I don't know how long I will be able to step away from the gambling, and I don't know if I'm convinced that it's a losing game that I can't succeed in, which is probably why you feel like this is something that will eventually eat away at us. But I love you and I hate putting you through something that clearly hurts you. I also refuse to lie to you, so I'm not going to go through it without letting you know. That leaves me in a situation where, like we talked about, I now have to be accountable to someone else, and I'm not used to that. But I want to be accountable to you. I know you have my best interests in mind, as well as our relationship's. This is rambling, but what I'm trying to say is, I may be shaky with my gambling, and you may be shaky with your fear of what it will do to us, but our love is not shaky. You don't have to worry about that, and you can love me without worrying about that. Just the fact that I'm not gambling right now shows you how much I love you. So try not to have any fear when it comes to that.


Me: I appreciate you being honest with me. I really do. But your email made me cry before I went to bed and here's why:


You wrote:

Now, that said, I don't know how long I will be able to step away from the gambling, and I don't know if I'm convinced that it's a losing game that I can't succeed in, which is probably why you feel like this is something that will eventually eat away at us.

Here's what I found last night on a website for loved ones of compulsive gamblers:

Compulsive gambling brings despair and humiliation into the lives of countless thousands of men, women and children. The compulsive gambler is a person who is dominated by an irresistible urge to gamble. Coupled with this is the obsessive idea that a way will be found not only to control the gambling, but to "make it pay" and enjoy it besides. This disease causes deterioration in almost all areas of the person's life.

I am here to support you and encourage you on your path to quit gambling. And I do think it's very possible to quit gambling. But I also feel strongly that you need help in doing so. There are too many underlying issues that are the basis for your gambling problem that you are just not dealing with or you haven't sought the help that you need to deal with them. That does not bode well for us. And it makes me very sad. But I can't want it more than you do. I absolutely refuse to want it more than you do. I don't think it's healthy to want it more than you do. But that leaves us on very shaky ground, which is unsettling at best.



D: I don't know what to say. I know that it kills me that my gambling hurts you so. But I can't get help because it wouldn't work. I'd have to believe it's a problem for therapy to work, and I continue to believe that the problem occurs only when I lose. I hope you're not thinking that I have to choose between help or you because it's not that I won't get help out of spite of you or because I'd rather gamble than have you. It's because it wouldn't help. I totally understand why you'd be very nervous about us now that you have an idea of how obsessed I am with becoming a successful gambler. And I don't know what to tell you that would make you feel better. But I hate hurting you, so I'm really trying to be responsible and work my way back to financial health instead of going for the quick fix. That's all I can promise you right now, that I'm trying.



Me: For now, I guess that will have to do.

Trouble in paradise, part 2: seeking help

Me: D. and I had a difference of opinion yesterday, and it is really bothering me. He is having a bit of financial trouble. The other night he mentioned that he was looking for a quick fix and was contemplating placing a sports bet. I kept quiet because he is a grown ass man with no ring on his finger, so he is free to do whatever he wants. But then, he asked me my opinion. I chose my words carefully and said that I didn't think that placing a sports bet was the answer for him. I added that I wasn't sure what the answer was, but I was 100% certain that it wasn't gambling. Well, he placed the bet anyway. I was so disappointed because I felt like he exercised such poor judgment. What I found even more disturbing is that he didn't see right away that it was poor judgement.

Oh yeah, and he lost the bet.

m., is there a red flag here that I need to be concerned about or am I making too much of this? Married couples are sure to experience some financial bumps in the road from time to time. I don't want my husband gambling our rent money away because he thinks he can get cash to pay the utility bill too.

He says, now that he sees how much of a negative effect it has on me, that he won't make those kinds of choices anymore. He also asked for my help in determining if he's using poor judgment since he may not always be able to see it. I am a believer that loved ones are going to hurt and disappoint you from time to time. We are all imperfect and need the freedom to fail every once in a while. Is this a wise approach in this situation? Or do I need to go into self-preservation mode?

m: i'm not quite sure what to say except that im sorry that you're feeling however youre feeling. i know its a mixed up, jumbled sensation that leaves you in an impasse.

what's important to me is not that he did it, it's how he responds once he knows it bothers you. we all have and come with our own baggages and ways of dealing with struggles. some partake in risky behavior like drinking or doing drugs or being overly sexual. And unfortunately, some gamble. it's funny to me how he risks money that he doesn't have in an effort to gain more.

but I cant judge that. i've done the same thing before, and it scared me.

so, lets examine his behavior when he realized that you were not supportive of him. he said he would stop. okay, now the ball is in your court. you can choose to believe him until he proves himself not trustworthy...or you can deem him untrustworthy and never believe what he says again. his decision to listen -- and maybe he didn't listen right away -- makes me think that he respects your opinion and your judgement, and you should take advantage of his offer to help him see the error of his ways. i dont think you were being at all irrational about this because this is big. but he deserves a second chance about this...we all deserve second chances...and you are very mature with your thoughts and actions. i hope this helps. i empathize with you on this. and no, it isn't a red flag. it's a behavior. how he responds to your feelings is more of a determination, i think. let me know what happens.

love,

m.

ps: self-preservation mode? not yet.

Trouble in paradise, part 1

Me: I have checks bouncing like rubber balls because my mortgage payment went through my account twice. It might be my fault. I'm not for sure. Are you ready for this?

D: I have $500 on the Pistons tonight. I'm ready for you if you're ready for me.

Me: I don't think I'm ready for that. I need you to be better at managing finances than me.

D: And I need you to understand that sometimes I'm not better at money. I wish I was smart about it at all times, but I'm not.

Me: I get that you're not perfect babe. I just want to feel comfortable putting our financial future in your hands.

D: I understand. I just want you to know who I am – a normally levelheaded guy with a gambling problem. You may not be truly ready for that.

Me: If what you think you have is a problem then no I'm not ready for that.

D: It was always a problem. I didn't indulge in it for a long time. But it's always been there.

Me: We should talk about this later.

D: I agree. We'll pick this up later.

Me: I am for your well-being, so I'll pray that the Pistons win.

D: Thank you.

Intuition

Me: Lately, I've noticed my intuitive side becoming more and more prevelant, especially where we are concerned. Of course, there was that Sunday that I had lunch at my favorite pizza place and sent you a text asking if you were enjoying your pizza at the exact moment the delivery guy was ringing your doorbell. And then tonight, I was working at my computer and I stopped to think about the text I sent you an hour earlier. The instant I picked up the cell phone, I get a response from you. This has happened on more than one occasion. In fact, it has happened so often I'm starting to wonder if I really did inherit my grandmother's sixth sense. Or are we just becoming more in tune with each other?

D: Well, I think it's a little more than coincidence, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I think it has something to do with you knowing my schedule and predilections and combining that knowledge to take educated guesses as to exactly when I am scratching my balls or eating pizza. But I won't shoot down any claims of preternatural knowledge. I have a friend who firmly believes that she is a seer as well, so I know how strongly you guys believe. And since I have no proof that it's not a spiritual thing, I won't rule it out.

Missing you

Me: I don't know if I miss you because I know you will be here in a few weeks and I'm getting antsy or if I miss you because it's been 3 months since our last visit. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I miss the physical intimacy between the two of us but it's not all about the sex. I also miss you. The first thing I would love to do when you get here is lay on my bed, not to make out, but to cuddle. I want to be held. I need to be held. I need to feel your chest pressed against my face. I want to talk to you face-to-face about all sorts of topics -- deep thought-provoking issues as well as frivolous subject matter. The laughing and jokes we have on the phone, I desire to have that with you in person. I want us to lay on my bed in the dark and discuss our dreams and fears. And then, after we have reestablished emotional closeness, I want to come all over your fingers. I want us to get lost in our desire until we are covered in sweat and each other's juices. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate us being apart. Would we get along as well if we were around each other all the time? Is it wise to get married without having taken the time to find that out? I don't care. I'd find a way to overcome that obstacle. I just want to be with you.

D: I'm sure we would have our lulls if we were together all the time, as every couple does. But we would also have many times where we would be going along doing whatever job we're doing, and we'd get giddy knowing that in a few hours we'll be coming home to each other. I really can't wait for that. I feel like when I see you in a few weeks, I'm going to want to be with you as much as I ever have, and that probably comes from how distant I was the last time. I don't want to leave any doubt at all about where I stand. So get ready for the smothering and nonstop making out!

Me: Part of me wants to say that you don't have to make up for last time, that I want you to just be yourself, to do what you feel and to let things flow naturally. But then part of me wants to say, "Nonstop making out, woohoo!" Seriously though, I know you love me and desire me. You don't have to show it by making out with me 24/7, especially if you don't feel up to it. That's no fun either.

D: You misunderstand, honey. It's not that I feel an obligation to make out with you, it's that I want you and I want to show you how bad. It's partly because of what happened last time, but it's not like I'm thinking I have to show you how much I desire you. It's that my body wants to show your body how much I desire you.

Me: Okay. Let the nonstop making out begin! BTW, my vibrator and I had a very nice time thinking about you last night.

D: I hope your new toy is ready for a new friend in the bedroom.

Me: (Jumping up and down all giddy like) Yes, she is!