Feeling bad - physically and spiritually

M: Hey, sugar. I read [on your other blog] about you not feeling well. How are u now?

Me: Sleepy! I was thinking about you last night when I couldn't sleep. I was thanking God that I have a friend in you and that He's used you to reveal parts of Himself to me.

M: That's so sweet! Thank you. . .I feel the same about you. I've been concerned about your health. This is the time when things get screwy. Besides sleepy, how else?

Me: The tiredness has robbed me of the energy to do things to better myself, like writing.

M: That can wait until u are feeling better.

Me: The messed up thing is, deep inside, I feel [my not being able to sleep] is punishment from God for watching a porno a couple of weeks ago. Is that messed up?

M: YES! What kind of relationship do you have w/God?

Me: A screwed up one apparently! And this from a chick who has an intellectual understanding of God's grace. But I can't seem to apply it fully to my life.

M: Because God's grace isn't intellectual darlin'. It's very spiritual, instinctual. U can't reason it out, u have to feel it & believe in it.

Me: I think that's my problem. I don't believe in it enough.

M: How's the boyfriend, D.?

Me: He and we are doing great. On my last visit I tried to deep throat him and almost threw up all over him!

M: Oh, no! It takes complete practice. . .and being very horny & heightened sexually. But it's so good!

Me: I plan to practice till I get it right! I'm sure D. will appreciate that. :)

M: Oh, totally! But he didn't reciprocate? Was the porn good that u watched?

Me: No, he didn't reciprocate! That's another story. The porn was Top Ten Gang Bangs (stop laughing!) #10 was really hot!

M: Gang bangs?!? You go, sexy babe!

M: What is your relationship like w/urself?

Me: I'm hard on myself. I judge myself by my performance more than I should and I half expect God to do the same.

M: God knows u better than u know urself. We need to talk, girl. U have time tonite?

Me: Yes I do! You just name the time.

Apology

D: I want to apologize again for not giving you oral sex. I had been talking about it and talking about it, but when it came time to try it, I decided I was too sore and tired. That's not fair. I wasn't too sore and tired to let you blow me, and I didn't care whether you were sore and tired or your nose was running or anything else. I was selfish, and I'm sorry.

Me: Apology accepted. We're both human and will behave as such from time to time. I want to be honest about my feelings and say that I was a little disappointed. I was so excited that my period came and went before my visit and I was looking forward to seizing the opportunity to venture into new sexual territory with you. If last month is any indication, the next time we see each other, I will probably be on my period again, which means my foray into the oral sex experience won't happen until June. Ultimately, I can live with that. It's not like I'm going to die from lack of cunnilingus.