Happiness

D: How I sometimes feel about pursuing happiness.

Me: I kind of felt like that while at lunch today. I was sitting in a booth across from two co-workers. I listened as the woman talked about her computer related career. I felt like that should be me in that situation, but for a variety of reasons, it is not. Of course, there are some things I could have done differently after I graduated college. I could have been more determined, possessed a little more stick-to-it-tiveness. But I also lay some of the blame at God's feet. Of all the computer programming interviews I went on, God could have moved someone to see the diamond in the rough, to view me favorably, to give me a chance. A chance was all I really needed. I know I could have done that job and done it well. But instead, happiness landed in the lap of someone else. And they were sitting across from me in a restaurant today.

I let myself stay in that place for a minute or two, but I had to move on. I don't know what the answer is other than to keep pursuing what we think will make us most happy, and finding a way to enjoy the journey. If we can catch up to that elusive little sucker called Happiness (or Success), then great. If not, maybe we'll have some fun along the way.

All the Ways I Am Feeling Off Today

• First off is our canceled phone date last night. What bothered me the most is that I was even bothered at all. I understand that the world shouldn't revolve around me, but that doesn't seem to keep me from feeling disappointed when it doesn't. I wish I were more mature in this area.

• I woke up this morning not feeling very motivated to exercise or eat healthy. I did neither today.

• The phones started ringing off the hook almost from the moment I stepped foot in the office this morning. I was noticeably bitchy to all who dared to call me.

• I have never violated God's "Thou shalt not murder" commandment, but I make a habit out of killing my fellow man with my words. Everyday. Despite starting the day by making a vow not to do so. Not exactly a Christian virtue.

• Of course, there was the incident at lunch that I emailed you about. I decided that the best way to combat the unpredictability of success and happiness is with the concreteness of setting goals. I reaffirmed some modest career objectives that I want to achieve this year -- taking 2 more writing classes and continuing to submit my work for publication at a frequency of once a month.

• The book I ordered for the church book club came in today and I started reading it this evening. The book is a memoir of Reynolds Price, a Duke English professor who contracted spinal cancer and is now confined to a wheelchair. It's not a book that I would normally read because of the depressing subject matter, and because I struggle with thoughts of impending doom with regards to my future. Books like this just feed into those fears and insecurities.

• Last but not least, your job's uncanny ability to fuck up my Saturdays at the worst possible time.