Intuition

Me: Lately, I've noticed my intuitive side becoming more and more prevelant, especially where we are concerned. Of course, there was that Sunday that I had lunch at my favorite pizza place and sent you a text asking if you were enjoying your pizza at the exact moment the delivery guy was ringing your doorbell. And then tonight, I was working at my computer and I stopped to think about the text I sent you an hour earlier. The instant I picked up the cell phone, I get a response from you. This has happened on more than one occasion. In fact, it has happened so often I'm starting to wonder if I really did inherit my grandmother's sixth sense. Or are we just becoming more in tune with each other?

D: Well, I think it's a little more than coincidence, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I think it has something to do with you knowing my schedule and predilections and combining that knowledge to take educated guesses as to exactly when I am scratching my balls or eating pizza. But I won't shoot down any claims of preternatural knowledge. I have a friend who firmly believes that she is a seer as well, so I know how strongly you guys believe. And since I have no proof that it's not a spiritual thing, I won't rule it out.

Missing you

Me: I don't know if I miss you because I know you will be here in a few weeks and I'm getting antsy or if I miss you because it's been 3 months since our last visit. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I miss the physical intimacy between the two of us but it's not all about the sex. I also miss you. The first thing I would love to do when you get here is lay on my bed, not to make out, but to cuddle. I want to be held. I need to be held. I need to feel your chest pressed against my face. I want to talk to you face-to-face about all sorts of topics -- deep thought-provoking issues as well as frivolous subject matter. The laughing and jokes we have on the phone, I desire to have that with you in person. I want us to lay on my bed in the dark and discuss our dreams and fears. And then, after we have reestablished emotional closeness, I want to come all over your fingers. I want us to get lost in our desire until we are covered in sweat and each other's juices. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate us being apart. Would we get along as well if we were around each other all the time? Is it wise to get married without having taken the time to find that out? I don't care. I'd find a way to overcome that obstacle. I just want to be with you.

D: I'm sure we would have our lulls if we were together all the time, as every couple does. But we would also have many times where we would be going along doing whatever job we're doing, and we'd get giddy knowing that in a few hours we'll be coming home to each other. I really can't wait for that. I feel like when I see you in a few weeks, I'm going to want to be with you as much as I ever have, and that probably comes from how distant I was the last time. I don't want to leave any doubt at all about where I stand. So get ready for the smothering and nonstop making out!

Me: Part of me wants to say that you don't have to make up for last time, that I want you to just be yourself, to do what you feel and to let things flow naturally. But then part of me wants to say, "Nonstop making out, woohoo!" Seriously though, I know you love me and desire me. You don't have to show it by making out with me 24/7, especially if you don't feel up to it. That's no fun either.

D: You misunderstand, honey. It's not that I feel an obligation to make out with you, it's that I want you and I want to show you how bad. It's partly because of what happened last time, but it's not like I'm thinking I have to show you how much I desire you. It's that my body wants to show your body how much I desire you.

Me: Okay. Let the nonstop making out begin! BTW, my vibrator and I had a very nice time thinking about you last night.

D: I hope your new toy is ready for a new friend in the bedroom.

Me: (Jumping up and down all giddy like) Yes, she is!

A journal entry

I am so incredibly horny right now that I am daydreaming about taking you into my mouth. You have warned me that I may not like oral sex and assure me that it's okay if, after attempting it, I find that it's something I don't want to do. I don't plan to give up that easily. If I don’t like it at first, I want to take the time to perfect my skills so that I do enjoy it. I want to learn how to ravage you with my mouth. I want to show you how much I love and desire you by the amount of fervor I use in sucking your dick. I want you to be so turned on by my sheer desire, if not technique, that you cum buckets in my mouth. I want to learn to love the taste of cum, your cum, so that the oral sex experience will be as enjoyable as possible for you. If I don’t like the taste at first, I will not let that deter me. I plan to have your cock in my mouth so much that I acquire a taste for it. I want to keep sucking, keep swallowing until it becomes like honey to me. I am a determined little slut. You want oral sex and I want to give it to you as many times as you want. I want to stay on my knees for you while you grip the back of my head and pound my face over and over again until you explode in my mouth while screaming out in complete, unadulterated ecstasy. That’s my goal. I won’t stop until I achieve it.

Dear Vibrator,

I am so pleased to have gotten the chance to make your acquaintance. It's been a long time coming, so to speak. I never thought I would see the day when you and I would become friends. You see, I'm a simple girl from a Southern town that boasts very conservative values. I was taught early on that "good girls" don't use vibrators. As I matured, I began to realize that girls do all sorts of things while still maintaining their goodness. The more I accepted this truth, the more open I became to the idea of meeting you.

Recently, my girlfriend and I found ourselves in an adult store giggling over the dildos and other sexual aids. I was admiring the remarkable resemblance that some of the devices had to actual penises when I caught a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye.

Your label said you were a g-spot finder. Even though I had never used a vibrator before I was excited by the idea of you and I working together to locate my happy place. Any apprehensions I had about our potential relationship were cast aside when I examined your short, slender construction. Your petite stature, when compared to some of your mammoth friends, was disarming and made you look harmless as you dangled from the display hook. I couldn't wait to get you home.

I had barely walked through the door before I was on the bed, legs splayed, slowly swirling you around my nether regions. The subtle vibrations you produced encouraged me to draw tiny circles with my hips. Once the small talk was over, I took off my pants to facilitate a deeper, more intimate discussion. As the conversation lingered, I could feel you becoming slick with my juices. It wasn't long before I slipped you inside where you purred sweet nothing after sweet nothing until I shuddered in ecstasy.

Our first meeting was an intimate one but you managed to not give up all of your secrets. The location of my g-spot remained a mystery but the time we spent together was so enjoyable that I was okay with you holding onto your secret a little while longer.

Even though I knew we had hit it off well during our first visit, it wasn't until after our next meeting that I longed for you to become an integral part of my life.

The second encounter started out like the first, with slow effortless communication. Eventually the breezy dialogue was replaced with intense, passionate discourse, creating a tension within my body that begged to be relieved. I shook as the pressure that had been building was finally released in the form of an orgasm that radiated from the center of my pelvis outward in all directions until it had reached my farthest extremities. I whimpered like a helpless dog while the waves of pleasure reduced themselves to ripples.

Oh, dearest vibrator, I have grown incredibly fond of you in such a short period of time. You have shown me bliss that I had not known before now. Let's stay friends forever so that we can reach even higher levels of rapturous delight. Maybe one day, if you're feeling up to it, we can bring D into our little sessions. I think it would be fun for all parties involved. But don't worry, I'll always make time for just the two of us.

Angel

Bashing the inner critic

I don't really know who you are or whom your voice represents but I do know that I don't like the things you say. I don't like the way you make me doubt myself and make me think of myself as less than what I am. My whole life I have allowed you to limit me. I have not achieved all that I am capable of because of you. My life would be so different had I not internalized your lies so. I wish that I could say that right now, from this day forward, I will stop listening to you. I want to so bad. But I am afraid. You have made me afraid. Afraid that I would not be able to handle the rejection that I am sure to experience from time to time. But that's not true. Self-help books that I've read say that I can handle rejection. It may not be easy but I can handle it. That voice that says I can't write? Yeah, you. You are the same voice that prevents me from looking for another job, putting my house up for sale and moving to Chicago. You tell me that no one will hire me, I am not good enough, and good things, like fun, exciting jobs that pay well, don’t happen to me. How long am I going to listen to you? How long am I going to allow you to hold me back?

Frustration

My reaction as we ended our phone conversation tonight was borne out of frustration. Frustration stemming from how little control I feel I have over when we talk on the phone. It all started with your move to second shift.

I hated this idea from the get go. I didn't say anything because I want you to be free to do what is best for you and if working second shift helps you to complete your education then who am I to stand in your way? Even though the late night phone conversations cause me to be tired all of the time, I suck it up and deal because I love you and want to spend whatever time I can with you.

My only solace is our Saturday morning phone dates. It is the only time during the week when both of us are completely coherent. The increased alertness makes for much more engaging conversations which allow us to connect on a deeper level. Not surprisingly, Saturday is my favorite day of the week.

Tonight, you brought it to my attention that your changing off days would have an impact on our Saturday phone dates. That didn't go over so well with me. Once again, I felt that I was being asked to make a change that I wasn't completely on board with and I didn't like it. The pressure created from holding my feelings in for months escaped tonight in the form of frustration.

But that's life, right? I can't always have things my way. It's not always about me and what I want. There's two of us in this relationship. Two people who each have their own set of needs, goals and desires. Each of these things must be considered. Occasionally, compromises must be made to ensure that both of us are happy.

In my head, I know this is the proper mindset and I plan to actively pursue it. I just wish I could find a way to not feel so frustrated.

I remember...

I remember how confident and beautiful I felt the day we met for the first time. (I have spent the last year and a half trying to recapture that feeling to no avail.)

I remember being just the right mix of calm and nerves.

I remember watching you come down the airport escalator.

I remember recognizing you and your Sean John jacket from the picture you sent me.

I remember the slight smile that came across your face when you first saw me.

I remember how your pace quickened as you were walking toward me.

I remember the tight and lingering hug you gave me and how it was almost too much physical contact for me to handle from someone I had just met one second ago.

As we walked to the car, I remember you staring at me as I was talking, surveying every inch of my face and body, taking me all in, mentally picturing yourself in a relationship with me.

I remember you folding your 6' 1" frame into my small, economy car.

I remember how uncomfortable I felt in your presence and us sitting on opposite ends of the couch.

I remember noticing that you had moved positions on the couch while I was in the bathroom in an effort to be closer to me.

I remember you wearing white socks and how that almost gave me pause.

I remember cooking you penne pasta for dinner. I remember that you liked it.

I remember how you went for a second helping of Caesar salad even though you said you didn't like salads.

I remember how uneasy I felt when you put your arm around me for the very first time.

I remember immediately tensing up and remaining tense for the duration of the movie we watched.

I remember how amused you were when the waitress at IHOP kept saying "y'all".

I remember how awkward I felt when the check came.

I remember wondering should he pay or should I pay?

I remember making the decision to let you pay.

I still remember the sting I felt when I realized that I had made the wrong decision.

I remember our visit to The National Civil Rights museum and how much I enjoyed interacting with you there. I even remember thinking that I could actually see us together.

But then hours later, as I was taking you to the airport, I remember freaking out over how uncomfortable I felt at times in your presence and wondering if it could ever work out.