Hearing like a woman

No.

That was your answer to the question I asked. A simple and emphatic "No."

The word rang oddly in my ears. It came soon after the query was posed and with an emphasis that had a slight "thou-dost-protest-too-much" air about it. In addition, the negative response was offered with no additional clarification .

You didn't usually answer questions this way and I wondered if your reply was an attempt to deflect attention away from some other emotion or viewpoint that you were trying desperately not to reveal.

Are you sure?, I asked, hoping that the additional probing would bring out your true feelings.

I don't remember the exact words that made up your smart-alecky response, but I remember that they hit me like a right hook I never saw coming.

After I recovered from the verbal blow, I asked if you were mad at me. You said you were not, but couldn't understand why your "No" wasn't taken at face value.

I explained that I don't just listen to words. I use a whole host of clues, such as tone, voice inflection, facial expressions, mannerisms, etc., to judge the veracity of someone's statement. My brain is not capable of only processing words and their strict Merriam-Webster meanings. I hear much more deeply than that, much more intuitively.

I hear like a woman.

A different perspective

D: . . .And about your naughty blog, I'm a little confused as to how you figure watching a porno is worthy of punishment from God more than engaging in premarital sexual relations. I personally don't think either one is a function of anything more than human sexuality, but I don't get how you think that's so wrong. But I don't want to nag or criticize, I just wish you would be more accepting of yourself. If you need to talk, you know I'm here until noon. Love you baby.

Feeling bad - physically and spiritually

M: Hey, sugar. I read [on your other blog] about you not feeling well. How are u now?

Me: Sleepy! I was thinking about you last night when I couldn't sleep. I was thanking God that I have a friend in you and that He's used you to reveal parts of Himself to me.

M: That's so sweet! Thank you. . .I feel the same about you. I've been concerned about your health. This is the time when things get screwy. Besides sleepy, how else?

Me: The tiredness has robbed me of the energy to do things to better myself, like writing.

M: That can wait until u are feeling better.

Me: The messed up thing is, deep inside, I feel [my not being able to sleep] is punishment from God for watching a porno a couple of weeks ago. Is that messed up?

M: YES! What kind of relationship do you have w/God?

Me: A screwed up one apparently! And this from a chick who has an intellectual understanding of God's grace. But I can't seem to apply it fully to my life.

M: Because God's grace isn't intellectual darlin'. It's very spiritual, instinctual. U can't reason it out, u have to feel it & believe in it.

Me: I think that's my problem. I don't believe in it enough.

M: How's the boyfriend, D.?

Me: He and we are doing great. On my last visit I tried to deep throat him and almost threw up all over him!

M: Oh, no! It takes complete practice. . .and being very horny & heightened sexually. But it's so good!

Me: I plan to practice till I get it right! I'm sure D. will appreciate that. :)

M: Oh, totally! But he didn't reciprocate? Was the porn good that u watched?

Me: No, he didn't reciprocate! That's another story. The porn was Top Ten Gang Bangs (stop laughing!) #10 was really hot!

M: Gang bangs?!? You go, sexy babe!

M: What is your relationship like w/urself?

Me: I'm hard on myself. I judge myself by my performance more than I should and I half expect God to do the same.

M: God knows u better than u know urself. We need to talk, girl. U have time tonite?

Me: Yes I do! You just name the time.

Apology

D: I want to apologize again for not giving you oral sex. I had been talking about it and talking about it, but when it came time to try it, I decided I was too sore and tired. That's not fair. I wasn't too sore and tired to let you blow me, and I didn't care whether you were sore and tired or your nose was running or anything else. I was selfish, and I'm sorry.

Me: Apology accepted. We're both human and will behave as such from time to time. I want to be honest about my feelings and say that I was a little disappointed. I was so excited that my period came and went before my visit and I was looking forward to seizing the opportunity to venture into new sexual territory with you. If last month is any indication, the next time we see each other, I will probably be on my period again, which means my foray into the oral sex experience won't happen until June. Ultimately, I can live with that. It's not like I'm going to die from lack of cunnilingus.

Perceived untruths

Every once in a while, I'll think you've lied to me.

Nothing major, just small perceived untruths that I may have originally misheard or misunderstood.

And that's what I tell myself.

Most of the time, when I recall the situation, that explanation seems plausible, even likely. But sometimes, my imagination will get the best of me and I'll wonder if you haven't been completely honest with me and I'll worry that this is an indication that bigger misdeeds are being covered up.

I don't mean to doubt your integrity, but, occasionally, Miss Worst Case Scenario takes over and looks for reasons why this relationship is destined for failure, all in an effort to prepare my heart for the day when everything comes crashing down around me.

Eventually, I come to my senses and remember that lying has been inconsistent with your behaviour and your stated philosophy for our relationship. Ultimately though, I have no guarantees that you will never lie to me, but, until evidence strongly suggests otherwise, I will continue to make a conscious decision to trust you and I will tell myself that those perceived untruths are indeed misperceptions.

More mental stimulation

Me: I just had an awesome orgasm. I would have cum within the first 60 seconds of playing with myself but I made myself wait. It was good.

D: I had one myself about the same time. You gotta give me the secret as to what the hell makes you cum in 60 seconds.

Me: Blowjob videos on The Fellatrix. And thinking about sucking your dick.

D: We'll have to watch porn together when you visit.

Me: I'd rather have mental stimulation that came from you. I didn't watch the videos to get off. I watched them to get some pointers. But then I started thinking about blowing you and the next thing I know, I'm cumming all over my vibrator.

D: Mmm, lovely visual.

Mental Stimulation

Me: That's it! I need mental stimulation.

D: Well, we can certainly work on that. I feel like we're still somewhat strangers in the bedroom, and as a result, I'm not sure what to say when we're in the moment. I know there's certain things that are kinda vulgar that you don't want to hear, and I also know how you hate cheesy porn-type conversation, so I wind up not saying anything. But I'm definitely willing to work at figuring out what I can say and do to make you feel more wanted. Do you not feel like I want you when we're in bed?

Me: No, I know that you want me. I was just saying that in order to reach climax, I need a little mental stimulation. Like when I was pleasuring myself on the last day of your visit, I was fantasizing about giving you head and being your little oral love slave.

And where do you get the idea that I don't like porn-type conversation? I like what is an honest reflection of what you are feeling at the moment. Genuineness is what takes the cheesiness out of the dialogue and makes it hot!