Pornography and Contradictions

I am a woman who possesses strong convictions (being born and raised in the Bible Belt will do that to you.) But despite my deeply held beliefs, I am also a woman whose actions consistently defy those beliefs. No where is this fact more evident than in the way I view pornography.


I have a love-hate relationship with pornography. There are some aspects of it that I find titillating (like the sex) but there are other aspects (the degradation of women and the disparity in the way black porn actress are treated on film as opposed to white actresses) that absolutely disgust me and offend me at the highest levels. But when I am feeling particularly horny, I won't hesitate to watch a porno. I hate this about myself.


D. watches porn pretty regularly and has a collection of about 40 tapes. This bothers me more than I let on. If this relationship is moving towards marriage, and I think it is, then I would prefer, once the I do's are said, that pornography not be a part of our union. I just think it would make for a much healthier sex life. But how can I expect D. to give up pornography when I haven't been able to do the same? That's not just contradictory, it's hypocritical.

I won't apologize for my contradictions. It's part of what makes me who I am. But, in this instance, I do need to learn how to deal with the pornography issue in a way that won't be detrimental to my relationship. Or my psyche.