Thoughts on us

Me: It bothered me when you revealed that you stare at the girl from work. In my mind, it's one thing to recognize when a woman is attractive, and even to find yourself attracted to her. It's quite another to undress her with your eyes. It made me think, Do I want my husband engaging in that kind of behavior when I'm not around? I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to stare down another woman if I'm not in the vicinity; I'm just saying that it bothers me. It also made me wonder, after spending weeks drooling over this woman, if she were to make a pass at you, would you resist or would you cave in to that desire that has been stoked inside you? And would this happen before or after the wedding vows? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm seeing this situation through the eyes of a woman instead of a man. I know that men are visual creatures. I can remember how W. would practically break his neck trying to check out a pretty lady. But I also know how much he loved his wife, and I can never imagine him cheating on her. But I still don't like the behavior. At the same time, I don't want my issues to ever stop you from being completely open and honest with me. If we're ever going to make it as a married couple, we have to be willing to be totally honest with one another. I think the truthfulness, even though it may be uncomfortable sometimes, will make us stronger.

And speaking of truthfulness, I should be honest and admit that there has been one instance where I have been somewhat tempted since we've started dating. The first time I went to Neru's blog, I thought he was intelligent and witty, and was immediately attracted to his personality. When we started IMing, I would catch myself innocently flirting with him, and enjoying his attention more than I should. I recognized this could be a dangerous situation if it were to get out of hand, and I tried to keep the relationship platonic. That was about the time he showed his ass, and that was the end of that. If you haven't noticed by now, Awii has a harmless crush on me as well, but I'm not attracted to him in a romantic sense. To his credit, he has been nothing but respectful of our relationship, and has treated me like a sister. We have managed to forge a mutually beneficial, platonic friendship. I can see Awii and I meeting in person someday, and, even though he is not your "type", I would love it if he could be friends with both of us.

I have been thinking today about what I am looking for in a man spiritually. I think it's safe to say that I am no longer that strict fundamentalist I once was. I'm even more relaxed in my beliefs than when we first met. So, if I'm not looking for some ultra-devout, hyper-conservative, on the verge of becoming a minister type of man, then what am I looking for? I don't know, but the conversation we had a week or so ago where we talked about whether my job changes were an indication from God that I should move to Chicago -- I really enjoyed that brief but honest exchange. What I liked most was that we weren't talking about God in the context of just me and my life, but we were talking about God in the context of us. That meant a lot to me.



D: I'm always grateful for your honest thoughts. I certainly don't ever want to get to the point where I feel like I have to hide the things I'm thinking from you, because that is truly the slippery slope that starts the habit of keeping secrets. I don't think there's anything I have to keep from you, and that can only help our relationship develop. I don't feel like I'm really undressing that girl at work with my eyes. I know there's not much of a difference between undressing her with my eyes and noticing her every day, but there is. I wasn't going into fantasies about her or obsessing over her, like I would a few years ago. I was thinking briefly about what would happen if she forcefully came on to me, but it's not like I think about that a lot. I was just mulling it over. As for Neru, I'm not surprised that you had an attraction for him because from reading his comments, he seems like one of those guys who cultivates an image meant to attract women. I mean, who makes his profile picture a closeup of his mouth? I'm not upset or worried because you're smart enough to engage in playful flirting without going too far, and you're honest enough to let me know if you want to go farther with someone else. And as far as what God has in store for us, I'm taking the view that I'm letting God dictate what happens and just doing what I'm doing. So I really was asking you what plan you think God has for us, because I don't know if I would see it clearly even if it was right in front of me. All I can say for sure is, I'm not going anywhere, I may not know what the magic moment looks like where I think it's time for us to get married, but I'm anxiously awaiting that moment, and I don't want anything else.

Things I want to do to you

Kiss you long and deep for an hour like the day after our first kiss.

Hold you on my lap while kissing you (you won't kill me, I promise).

Smear massage oil or baby oil between your breasts and slide my penis up and down.

Lick behind your kneecaps, on your inner thighs, and all parts of your vagina (as you sit on the couch or on the bed or on a table, so that I can get an angle that won't make my nose run).

Stand erect (!) while you sit on the couch and pleasure me orally.

Make love to you all day.

And, most importantly: Look in your eyes and tell you I love you.

I miss you, Angel.

Hearing like a woman

No.

That was your answer to the question I asked. A simple and emphatic "No."

The word rang oddly in my ears. It came soon after the query was posed and with an emphasis that had a slight "thou-dost-protest-too-much" air about it. In addition, the negative response was offered with no additional clarification .

You didn't usually answer questions this way and I wondered if your reply was an attempt to deflect attention away from some other emotion or viewpoint that you were trying desperately not to reveal.

Are you sure?, I asked, hoping that the additional probing would bring out your true feelings.

I don't remember the exact words that made up your smart-alecky response, but I remember that they hit me like a right hook I never saw coming.

After I recovered from the verbal blow, I asked if you were mad at me. You said you were not, but couldn't understand why your "No" wasn't taken at face value.

I explained that I don't just listen to words. I use a whole host of clues, such as tone, voice inflection, facial expressions, mannerisms, etc., to judge the veracity of someone's statement. My brain is not capable of only processing words and their strict Merriam-Webster meanings. I hear much more deeply than that, much more intuitively.

I hear like a woman.

A different perspective

D: . . .And about your naughty blog, I'm a little confused as to how you figure watching a porno is worthy of punishment from God more than engaging in premarital sexual relations. I personally don't think either one is a function of anything more than human sexuality, but I don't get how you think that's so wrong. But I don't want to nag or criticize, I just wish you would be more accepting of yourself. If you need to talk, you know I'm here until noon. Love you baby.

Feeling bad - physically and spiritually

M: Hey, sugar. I read [on your other blog] about you not feeling well. How are u now?

Me: Sleepy! I was thinking about you last night when I couldn't sleep. I was thanking God that I have a friend in you and that He's used you to reveal parts of Himself to me.

M: That's so sweet! Thank you. . .I feel the same about you. I've been concerned about your health. This is the time when things get screwy. Besides sleepy, how else?

Me: The tiredness has robbed me of the energy to do things to better myself, like writing.

M: That can wait until u are feeling better.

Me: The messed up thing is, deep inside, I feel [my not being able to sleep] is punishment from God for watching a porno a couple of weeks ago. Is that messed up?

M: YES! What kind of relationship do you have w/God?

Me: A screwed up one apparently! And this from a chick who has an intellectual understanding of God's grace. But I can't seem to apply it fully to my life.

M: Because God's grace isn't intellectual darlin'. It's very spiritual, instinctual. U can't reason it out, u have to feel it & believe in it.

Me: I think that's my problem. I don't believe in it enough.

M: How's the boyfriend, D.?

Me: He and we are doing great. On my last visit I tried to deep throat him and almost threw up all over him!

M: Oh, no! It takes complete practice. . .and being very horny & heightened sexually. But it's so good!

Me: I plan to practice till I get it right! I'm sure D. will appreciate that. :)

M: Oh, totally! But he didn't reciprocate? Was the porn good that u watched?

Me: No, he didn't reciprocate! That's another story. The porn was Top Ten Gang Bangs (stop laughing!) #10 was really hot!

M: Gang bangs?!? You go, sexy babe!

M: What is your relationship like w/urself?

Me: I'm hard on myself. I judge myself by my performance more than I should and I half expect God to do the same.

M: God knows u better than u know urself. We need to talk, girl. U have time tonite?

Me: Yes I do! You just name the time.

Apology

D: I want to apologize again for not giving you oral sex. I had been talking about it and talking about it, but when it came time to try it, I decided I was too sore and tired. That's not fair. I wasn't too sore and tired to let you blow me, and I didn't care whether you were sore and tired or your nose was running or anything else. I was selfish, and I'm sorry.

Me: Apology accepted. We're both human and will behave as such from time to time. I want to be honest about my feelings and say that I was a little disappointed. I was so excited that my period came and went before my visit and I was looking forward to seizing the opportunity to venture into new sexual territory with you. If last month is any indication, the next time we see each other, I will probably be on my period again, which means my foray into the oral sex experience won't happen until June. Ultimately, I can live with that. It's not like I'm going to die from lack of cunnilingus.

Perceived untruths

Every once in a while, I'll think you've lied to me.

Nothing major, just small perceived untruths that I may have originally misheard or misunderstood.

And that's what I tell myself.

Most of the time, when I recall the situation, that explanation seems plausible, even likely. But sometimes, my imagination will get the best of me and I'll wonder if you haven't been completely honest with me and I'll worry that this is an indication that bigger misdeeds are being covered up.

I don't mean to doubt your integrity, but, occasionally, Miss Worst Case Scenario takes over and looks for reasons why this relationship is destined for failure, all in an effort to prepare my heart for the day when everything comes crashing down around me.

Eventually, I come to my senses and remember that lying has been inconsistent with your behaviour and your stated philosophy for our relationship. Ultimately though, I have no guarantees that you will never lie to me, but, until evidence strongly suggests otherwise, I will continue to make a conscious decision to trust you and I will tell myself that those perceived untruths are indeed misperceptions.