Perceived untruths

Every once in a while, I'll think you've lied to me.

Nothing major, just small perceived untruths that I may have originally misheard or misunderstood.

And that's what I tell myself.

Most of the time, when I recall the situation, that explanation seems plausible, even likely. But sometimes, my imagination will get the best of me and I'll wonder if you haven't been completely honest with me and I'll worry that this is an indication that bigger misdeeds are being covered up.

I don't mean to doubt your integrity, but, occasionally, Miss Worst Case Scenario takes over and looks for reasons why this relationship is destined for failure, all in an effort to prepare my heart for the day when everything comes crashing down around me.

Eventually, I come to my senses and remember that lying has been inconsistent with your behaviour and your stated philosophy for our relationship. Ultimately though, I have no guarantees that you will never lie to me, but, until evidence strongly suggests otherwise, I will continue to make a conscious decision to trust you and I will tell myself that those perceived untruths are indeed misperceptions.

More mental stimulation

Me: I just had an awesome orgasm. I would have cum within the first 60 seconds of playing with myself but I made myself wait. It was good.

D: I had one myself about the same time. You gotta give me the secret as to what the hell makes you cum in 60 seconds.

Me: Blowjob videos on The Fellatrix. And thinking about sucking your dick.

D: We'll have to watch porn together when you visit.

Me: I'd rather have mental stimulation that came from you. I didn't watch the videos to get off. I watched them to get some pointers. But then I started thinking about blowing you and the next thing I know, I'm cumming all over my vibrator.

D: Mmm, lovely visual.

Mental Stimulation

Me: That's it! I need mental stimulation.

D: Well, we can certainly work on that. I feel like we're still somewhat strangers in the bedroom, and as a result, I'm not sure what to say when we're in the moment. I know there's certain things that are kinda vulgar that you don't want to hear, and I also know how you hate cheesy porn-type conversation, so I wind up not saying anything. But I'm definitely willing to work at figuring out what I can say and do to make you feel more wanted. Do you not feel like I want you when we're in bed?

Me: No, I know that you want me. I was just saying that in order to reach climax, I need a little mental stimulation. Like when I was pleasuring myself on the last day of your visit, I was fantasizing about giving you head and being your little oral love slave.

And where do you get the idea that I don't like porn-type conversation? I like what is an honest reflection of what you are feeling at the moment. Genuineness is what takes the cheesiness out of the dialogue and makes it hot!

Trouble in paradise, part 4: advice from Dr. W

I feel a lot of compassion for your situation, Angel, and I really appreciate that you've asked my advice.

I also feel a lot of clarity on this, precisely because I am that third party person, so I hope what I have to say is what you need.

D. is showing a lack of insight about gambling, so I agree with you that there is an addiction here. He says that he only has a problem when he loses, but he doesn't recognize that it isn't "gambling" unless you lose. If there were no losing, it would be called something different. He also says that he has to recognize that there's a problem before he gains benefit from treatment, and then admits that he sees no problem, so treatment wouldn't work. In that he is correct.

From your part of the conversation, I see how unsettling it is for you to be in a relationship where this dynamic is taking place. So let me urge you to take a deep breath and try to clear your mind for a few minutes.Now, here's something to consider.

You aren't married to him, or even engaged (as far as I understand it). This means you have enough distance to work it out with him and wait it out. You can afford to explain the nature of gambling (which is; No one wins all the time when they gamble. And seeing that this is a fact, D. will not do well as a gambler--because by definition, he must endure Losses as well as Wins in order to be a "successful" gambler.) You can also afford to let him suffer some more of the losses which will inevitably come, so he can see for himself that it is a sport that he cannot control. Any assets he loses are still his own, and not yours.

Again, you can afford to let D. journey through this because you two are not married. The consequences he faces in order to learn that gambling is a problem for him will not come from any joint assets the two of you share.

I see how his struggle affects your emotions. You identified it correctly when you said that you draw up into a self-protective ball. What I urge you to do is come out of that ball for love's sake. Actively and consciously fight your self-defense mechanisms because of love. And when I use the word "love", I mean it as a verb. Make a commitment to him. Say it out loud if you have to. You will love him because you want this to work, and so you will help him through to seeing the addiction for what it is. That means you will stay ahead of your fear & self-protection and keep giving him the attention, the support, and the information he needs to go where he needs to go, which is either to stop gambling or into recovery.

Again, you can remember that you have a safe distance to let him struggle with this. His failures will not take food off your table. And during this time, you can see for yourself if he comes to a very real understanding of his situation. You can judge the words he uses to describe his opinions of gambling (as he already has done) and see if they begin to represent insight for himself, and hope for you. You can take inventory of your own emotions to see how much you can bear along with him. What's really good about this is that he's being honest with you. It gives you an excellent opportunity to make the best choices for the both of you.

So out of love for the guy and your desire to make it work, my suggestion is to trade your fear for love and support. We both know that as long as you want a relationship with another human being, your heart is not guaranteed safety--but at least your finances still are.

Ultimately, you will come to the place where you will know for certain if;

1) He comes to understand what Gambling is,

2) He decides to quit or to continue

3) Your tolerance of gambling reaches its limit

Then you will know how to proceed with your life. But that information only comes after you've worked on this, and giving in to fear is the opposite of working on it. I'm learning that from all of you guys.

I'm sending a lot of support and strength your way, Angel. You've got someone in your corner who knows the struggle of fear and the difficulty of overcoming it. And it looks like D. is there in that corner with you too. How lucky are you? :-)

Dr. W

Trouble in paradise, part 3: a late night conversation

Me: I went to bed at 9pm, slept until about midnight before waking up and lying in bed for an hour. My mind has been racing the entire time, preventing me from going back to sleep. I struggle with the idea of telling you these feelings because I don't want you to use them to beat yourself up with. But these feelings overwhelm me sometimes and I have to get them out to someone. I can't think of one friend that I can share our struggles with because I don't want them to take this situation and make lasting, negative assumptions about you. None of my family and friends know you very well if at all. (This may be my fault or it may be the fault of the distance.) They have no frame of reference where you are concerned. They have no positive to weigh against the negative. I don't want the negative to be the only thing they know about you so I keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. It's a heavy burden. Although the feelings are difficult to shoulder on my own, I don't want to put any unnecessary strain on our relationship. What I want to know is do you feel you are at a place where you can handle hearing my innermost thoughts on us without your psyche taking a hit? If not, that's okay and perfectly understandable. I just need to know.



D: I may be fragile and dealing with stuff, but we've been trying to do things in a way where there's total honesty and communication. So I really need to know what those thoughts and feelings are. I don't think I can beat myself up any more than I have been, so it's not going to hit me too hard, I don't think.



Me: I was just sending you an email telling you that it's not as bad as I made it seem. I journaled about my feelings just now and looked at the words on the screen. I think you can handle it. Do you want to know them now or wait until you've had a good night's sleep?



D: You can send it now.



Me: This is my journal entry:

I want to learn to trust again. I want to love with abandon again. I want to be able to relax in this relationship again. I feel that I have to prepare myself emotionally just in case this relationship should end. This keeps me at a distance from D., I feel. It keeps me from loving him as well and as completely as I should because I'm holding something back, guarding my heart just in case. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to love like that. I don't want to be on guard all the time. Plus, no amount of worrying or self-preservation is going to have any affect on what may actually happen down the road. What will be will be. What will happen will happen. Why not love the best way I can now and deal with the circumstances as they arise later? I worry that this is the beginning of a slow unraveling of us. (There is so much power in this statement that I hate to even look at it on the screen.) It's also just as likely that it is not, that it will be the thing that makes us stronger. The problem is I don't know for sure. I have no guarantees about what is going to happen next and that's a little unnerving to say the least. I want to make this thing work. I want to think positively (but not pollyannaish) about it all so that I can be at peace. I want him here right now. I want to feel his reassuring arms around me. I want to hear him say, "We can do this." So difficult these relationships can be. But this is the part that I've said all along that I was waiting for, the part where I roll up my sleeves and get down to the business of making a relationship work. And not just survive but thrive. He has his issues to work through too, his own emotions. That's okay. We can work through this together. It is possible. I don't have to worry about the what ifs and the what if nots. Why do I resist journaling so? Why, when I am a mess of emotions, do I cringe at the thought of writing those emotions down, especially considering that it helps me? It's the only way I gain perspective. It's the only way that I can sort through my feelings and not feel so overtaken by them. This situation fed into my fears that everything is going to come crashing down around me. It rocked me to my core and I have to find my bearings. This is helping.



D: That is a sobering piece of writing, but I'm not going to beat myself up.

Yes, my actions caused this wave of fear in you that we're slowly breaking apart, but because you hung in there and insisted on conveying the message that gambling with no money is bad judgment, I have ceased my actions and taken a road that won't cause a bigger rift. I don't think I have the words to tell you how much that meant to me, and I'm sure that's a part of the problem, the fact that I haven't communicated with you how much you mean to me and how much your not getting angry meant to me. I think you did the exact right thing for me and for us--you firmly let me know that you couldn't respect and be in a relationship with a man who gambled without money, yet you still loved me and wanted to help me find other solutions for my financial woes. I expected anger and yelling, but I got tough love. Thank you for being the mature one.

Now, that said, I don't know how long I will be able to step away from the gambling, and I don't know if I'm convinced that it's a losing game that I can't succeed in, which is probably why you feel like this is something that will eventually eat away at us. But I love you and I hate putting you through something that clearly hurts you. I also refuse to lie to you, so I'm not going to go through it without letting you know. That leaves me in a situation where, like we talked about, I now have to be accountable to someone else, and I'm not used to that. But I want to be accountable to you. I know you have my best interests in mind, as well as our relationship's. This is rambling, but what I'm trying to say is, I may be shaky with my gambling, and you may be shaky with your fear of what it will do to us, but our love is not shaky. You don't have to worry about that, and you can love me without worrying about that. Just the fact that I'm not gambling right now shows you how much I love you. So try not to have any fear when it comes to that.


Me: I appreciate you being honest with me. I really do. But your email made me cry before I went to bed and here's why:


You wrote:

Now, that said, I don't know how long I will be able to step away from the gambling, and I don't know if I'm convinced that it's a losing game that I can't succeed in, which is probably why you feel like this is something that will eventually eat away at us.

Here's what I found last night on a website for loved ones of compulsive gamblers:

Compulsive gambling brings despair and humiliation into the lives of countless thousands of men, women and children. The compulsive gambler is a person who is dominated by an irresistible urge to gamble. Coupled with this is the obsessive idea that a way will be found not only to control the gambling, but to "make it pay" and enjoy it besides. This disease causes deterioration in almost all areas of the person's life.

I am here to support you and encourage you on your path to quit gambling. And I do think it's very possible to quit gambling. But I also feel strongly that you need help in doing so. There are too many underlying issues that are the basis for your gambling problem that you are just not dealing with or you haven't sought the help that you need to deal with them. That does not bode well for us. And it makes me very sad. But I can't want it more than you do. I absolutely refuse to want it more than you do. I don't think it's healthy to want it more than you do. But that leaves us on very shaky ground, which is unsettling at best.



D: I don't know what to say. I know that it kills me that my gambling hurts you so. But I can't get help because it wouldn't work. I'd have to believe it's a problem for therapy to work, and I continue to believe that the problem occurs only when I lose. I hope you're not thinking that I have to choose between help or you because it's not that I won't get help out of spite of you or because I'd rather gamble than have you. It's because it wouldn't help. I totally understand why you'd be very nervous about us now that you have an idea of how obsessed I am with becoming a successful gambler. And I don't know what to tell you that would make you feel better. But I hate hurting you, so I'm really trying to be responsible and work my way back to financial health instead of going for the quick fix. That's all I can promise you right now, that I'm trying.



Me: For now, I guess that will have to do.

Trouble in paradise, part 2: seeking help

Me: D. and I had a difference of opinion yesterday, and it is really bothering me. He is having a bit of financial trouble. The other night he mentioned that he was looking for a quick fix and was contemplating placing a sports bet. I kept quiet because he is a grown ass man with no ring on his finger, so he is free to do whatever he wants. But then, he asked me my opinion. I chose my words carefully and said that I didn't think that placing a sports bet was the answer for him. I added that I wasn't sure what the answer was, but I was 100% certain that it wasn't gambling. Well, he placed the bet anyway. I was so disappointed because I felt like he exercised such poor judgment. What I found even more disturbing is that he didn't see right away that it was poor judgement.

Oh yeah, and he lost the bet.

m., is there a red flag here that I need to be concerned about or am I making too much of this? Married couples are sure to experience some financial bumps in the road from time to time. I don't want my husband gambling our rent money away because he thinks he can get cash to pay the utility bill too.

He says, now that he sees how much of a negative effect it has on me, that he won't make those kinds of choices anymore. He also asked for my help in determining if he's using poor judgment since he may not always be able to see it. I am a believer that loved ones are going to hurt and disappoint you from time to time. We are all imperfect and need the freedom to fail every once in a while. Is this a wise approach in this situation? Or do I need to go into self-preservation mode?

m: i'm not quite sure what to say except that im sorry that you're feeling however youre feeling. i know its a mixed up, jumbled sensation that leaves you in an impasse.

what's important to me is not that he did it, it's how he responds once he knows it bothers you. we all have and come with our own baggages and ways of dealing with struggles. some partake in risky behavior like drinking or doing drugs or being overly sexual. And unfortunately, some gamble. it's funny to me how he risks money that he doesn't have in an effort to gain more.

but I cant judge that. i've done the same thing before, and it scared me.

so, lets examine his behavior when he realized that you were not supportive of him. he said he would stop. okay, now the ball is in your court. you can choose to believe him until he proves himself not trustworthy...or you can deem him untrustworthy and never believe what he says again. his decision to listen -- and maybe he didn't listen right away -- makes me think that he respects your opinion and your judgement, and you should take advantage of his offer to help him see the error of his ways. i dont think you were being at all irrational about this because this is big. but he deserves a second chance about this...we all deserve second chances...and you are very mature with your thoughts and actions. i hope this helps. i empathize with you on this. and no, it isn't a red flag. it's a behavior. how he responds to your feelings is more of a determination, i think. let me know what happens.

love,

m.

ps: self-preservation mode? not yet.

Trouble in paradise, part 1

Me: I have checks bouncing like rubber balls because my mortgage payment went through my account twice. It might be my fault. I'm not for sure. Are you ready for this?

D: I have $500 on the Pistons tonight. I'm ready for you if you're ready for me.

Me: I don't think I'm ready for that. I need you to be better at managing finances than me.

D: And I need you to understand that sometimes I'm not better at money. I wish I was smart about it at all times, but I'm not.

Me: I get that you're not perfect babe. I just want to feel comfortable putting our financial future in your hands.

D: I understand. I just want you to know who I am – a normally levelheaded guy with a gambling problem. You may not be truly ready for that.

Me: If what you think you have is a problem then no I'm not ready for that.

D: It was always a problem. I didn't indulge in it for a long time. But it's always been there.

Me: We should talk about this later.

D: I agree. We'll pick this up later.

Me: I am for your well-being, so I'll pray that the Pistons win.

D: Thank you.

Intuition

Me: Lately, I've noticed my intuitive side becoming more and more prevelant, especially where we are concerned. Of course, there was that Sunday that I had lunch at my favorite pizza place and sent you a text asking if you were enjoying your pizza at the exact moment the delivery guy was ringing your doorbell. And then tonight, I was working at my computer and I stopped to think about the text I sent you an hour earlier. The instant I picked up the cell phone, I get a response from you. This has happened on more than one occasion. In fact, it has happened so often I'm starting to wonder if I really did inherit my grandmother's sixth sense. Or are we just becoming more in tune with each other?

D: Well, I think it's a little more than coincidence, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I think it has something to do with you knowing my schedule and predilections and combining that knowledge to take educated guesses as to exactly when I am scratching my balls or eating pizza. But I won't shoot down any claims of preternatural knowledge. I have a friend who firmly believes that she is a seer as well, so I know how strongly you guys believe. And since I have no proof that it's not a spiritual thing, I won't rule it out.

Missing you

Me: I don't know if I miss you because I know you will be here in a few weeks and I'm getting antsy or if I miss you because it's been 3 months since our last visit. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I miss the physical intimacy between the two of us but it's not all about the sex. I also miss you. The first thing I would love to do when you get here is lay on my bed, not to make out, but to cuddle. I want to be held. I need to be held. I need to feel your chest pressed against my face. I want to talk to you face-to-face about all sorts of topics -- deep thought-provoking issues as well as frivolous subject matter. The laughing and jokes we have on the phone, I desire to have that with you in person. I want us to lay on my bed in the dark and discuss our dreams and fears. And then, after we have reestablished emotional closeness, I want to come all over your fingers. I want us to get lost in our desire until we are covered in sweat and each other's juices. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate us being apart. Would we get along as well if we were around each other all the time? Is it wise to get married without having taken the time to find that out? I don't care. I'd find a way to overcome that obstacle. I just want to be with you.

D: I'm sure we would have our lulls if we were together all the time, as every couple does. But we would also have many times where we would be going along doing whatever job we're doing, and we'd get giddy knowing that in a few hours we'll be coming home to each other. I really can't wait for that. I feel like when I see you in a few weeks, I'm going to want to be with you as much as I ever have, and that probably comes from how distant I was the last time. I don't want to leave any doubt at all about where I stand. So get ready for the smothering and nonstop making out!

Me: Part of me wants to say that you don't have to make up for last time, that I want you to just be yourself, to do what you feel and to let things flow naturally. But then part of me wants to say, "Nonstop making out, woohoo!" Seriously though, I know you love me and desire me. You don't have to show it by making out with me 24/7, especially if you don't feel up to it. That's no fun either.

D: You misunderstand, honey. It's not that I feel an obligation to make out with you, it's that I want you and I want to show you how bad. It's partly because of what happened last time, but it's not like I'm thinking I have to show you how much I desire you. It's that my body wants to show your body how much I desire you.

Me: Okay. Let the nonstop making out begin! BTW, my vibrator and I had a very nice time thinking about you last night.

D: I hope your new toy is ready for a new friend in the bedroom.

Me: (Jumping up and down all giddy like) Yes, she is!

A journal entry

I am so incredibly horny right now that I am daydreaming about taking you into my mouth. You have warned me that I may not like oral sex and assure me that it's okay if, after attempting it, I find that it's something I don't want to do. I don't plan to give up that easily. If I don’t like it at first, I want to take the time to perfect my skills so that I do enjoy it. I want to learn how to ravage you with my mouth. I want to show you how much I love and desire you by the amount of fervor I use in sucking your dick. I want you to be so turned on by my sheer desire, if not technique, that you cum buckets in my mouth. I want to learn to love the taste of cum, your cum, so that the oral sex experience will be as enjoyable as possible for you. If I don’t like the taste at first, I will not let that deter me. I plan to have your cock in my mouth so much that I acquire a taste for it. I want to keep sucking, keep swallowing until it becomes like honey to me. I am a determined little slut. You want oral sex and I want to give it to you as many times as you want. I want to stay on my knees for you while you grip the back of my head and pound my face over and over again until you explode in my mouth while screaming out in complete, unadulterated ecstasy. That’s my goal. I won’t stop until I achieve it.

Dear Vibrator,

I am so pleased to have gotten the chance to make your acquaintance. It's been a long time coming, so to speak. I never thought I would see the day when you and I would become friends. You see, I'm a simple girl from a Southern town that boasts very conservative values. I was taught early on that "good girls" don't use vibrators. As I matured, I began to realize that girls do all sorts of things while still maintaining their goodness. The more I accepted this truth, the more open I became to the idea of meeting you.

Recently, my girlfriend and I found ourselves in an adult store giggling over the dildos and other sexual aids. I was admiring the remarkable resemblance that some of the devices had to actual penises when I caught a glimpse of you out of the corner of my eye.

Your label said you were a g-spot finder. Even though I had never used a vibrator before I was excited by the idea of you and I working together to locate my happy place. Any apprehensions I had about our potential relationship were cast aside when I examined your short, slender construction. Your petite stature, when compared to some of your mammoth friends, was disarming and made you look harmless as you dangled from the display hook. I couldn't wait to get you home.

I had barely walked through the door before I was on the bed, legs splayed, slowly swirling you around my nether regions. The subtle vibrations you produced encouraged me to draw tiny circles with my hips. Once the small talk was over, I took off my pants to facilitate a deeper, more intimate discussion. As the conversation lingered, I could feel you becoming slick with my juices. It wasn't long before I slipped you inside where you purred sweet nothing after sweet nothing until I shuddered in ecstasy.

Our first meeting was an intimate one but you managed to not give up all of your secrets. The location of my g-spot remained a mystery but the time we spent together was so enjoyable that I was okay with you holding onto your secret a little while longer.

Even though I knew we had hit it off well during our first visit, it wasn't until after our next meeting that I longed for you to become an integral part of my life.

The second encounter started out like the first, with slow effortless communication. Eventually the breezy dialogue was replaced with intense, passionate discourse, creating a tension within my body that begged to be relieved. I shook as the pressure that had been building was finally released in the form of an orgasm that radiated from the center of my pelvis outward in all directions until it had reached my farthest extremities. I whimpered like a helpless dog while the waves of pleasure reduced themselves to ripples.

Oh, dearest vibrator, I have grown incredibly fond of you in such a short period of time. You have shown me bliss that I had not known before now. Let's stay friends forever so that we can reach even higher levels of rapturous delight. Maybe one day, if you're feeling up to it, we can bring D into our little sessions. I think it would be fun for all parties involved. But don't worry, I'll always make time for just the two of us.

Angel

Bashing the inner critic

I don't really know who you are or whom your voice represents but I do know that I don't like the things you say. I don't like the way you make me doubt myself and make me think of myself as less than what I am. My whole life I have allowed you to limit me. I have not achieved all that I am capable of because of you. My life would be so different had I not internalized your lies so. I wish that I could say that right now, from this day forward, I will stop listening to you. I want to so bad. But I am afraid. You have made me afraid. Afraid that I would not be able to handle the rejection that I am sure to experience from time to time. But that's not true. Self-help books that I've read say that I can handle rejection. It may not be easy but I can handle it. That voice that says I can't write? Yeah, you. You are the same voice that prevents me from looking for another job, putting my house up for sale and moving to Chicago. You tell me that no one will hire me, I am not good enough, and good things, like fun, exciting jobs that pay well, don’t happen to me. How long am I going to listen to you? How long am I going to allow you to hold me back?

Frustration

My reaction as we ended our phone conversation tonight was borne out of frustration. Frustration stemming from how little control I feel I have over when we talk on the phone. It all started with your move to second shift.

I hated this idea from the get go. I didn't say anything because I want you to be free to do what is best for you and if working second shift helps you to complete your education then who am I to stand in your way? Even though the late night phone conversations cause me to be tired all of the time, I suck it up and deal because I love you and want to spend whatever time I can with you.

My only solace is our Saturday morning phone dates. It is the only time during the week when both of us are completely coherent. The increased alertness makes for much more engaging conversations which allow us to connect on a deeper level. Not surprisingly, Saturday is my favorite day of the week.

Tonight, you brought it to my attention that your changing off days would have an impact on our Saturday phone dates. That didn't go over so well with me. Once again, I felt that I was being asked to make a change that I wasn't completely on board with and I didn't like it. The pressure created from holding my feelings in for months escaped tonight in the form of frustration.

But that's life, right? I can't always have things my way. It's not always about me and what I want. There's two of us in this relationship. Two people who each have their own set of needs, goals and desires. Each of these things must be considered. Occasionally, compromises must be made to ensure that both of us are happy.

In my head, I know this is the proper mindset and I plan to actively pursue it. I just wish I could find a way to not feel so frustrated.

I remember...

I remember how confident and beautiful I felt the day we met for the first time. (I have spent the last year and a half trying to recapture that feeling to no avail.)

I remember being just the right mix of calm and nerves.

I remember watching you come down the airport escalator.

I remember recognizing you and your Sean John jacket from the picture you sent me.

I remember the slight smile that came across your face when you first saw me.

I remember how your pace quickened as you were walking toward me.

I remember the tight and lingering hug you gave me and how it was almost too much physical contact for me to handle from someone I had just met one second ago.

As we walked to the car, I remember you staring at me as I was talking, surveying every inch of my face and body, taking me all in, mentally picturing yourself in a relationship with me.

I remember you folding your 6' 1" frame into my small, economy car.

I remember how uncomfortable I felt in your presence and us sitting on opposite ends of the couch.

I remember noticing that you had moved positions on the couch while I was in the bathroom in an effort to be closer to me.

I remember you wearing white socks and how that almost gave me pause.

I remember cooking you penne pasta for dinner. I remember that you liked it.

I remember how you went for a second helping of Caesar salad even though you said you didn't like salads.

I remember how uneasy I felt when you put your arm around me for the very first time.

I remember immediately tensing up and remaining tense for the duration of the movie we watched.

I remember how amused you were when the waitress at IHOP kept saying "y'all".

I remember how awkward I felt when the check came.

I remember wondering should he pay or should I pay?

I remember making the decision to let you pay.

I still remember the sting I felt when I realized that I had made the wrong decision.

I remember our visit to The National Civil Rights museum and how much I enjoyed interacting with you there. I even remember thinking that I could actually see us together.

But then hours later, as I was taking you to the airport, I remember freaking out over how uncomfortable I felt at times in your presence and wondering if it could ever work out.

A different spiritual place

Dear D,

I called my friend, J., today just to check up on her. It had been about month since we last talked. During the course of our conversation, she revealed that she and our friend, P. had a talk about my lack of church attendance. J. suggested that I needed to put God first and attend church more often. She and P. discussed that if my multiple jobs are what's making me too tired to go to church then maybe I should trust God to take care of me financially and quit one of my jobs.

I listened patiently. When she was finished I said that I would rather my motivation to go to church be a result of my desire to be with God. (I said that because regardless of the words she used what I heard was "You're not being a very good Christian", "You're not living up to God's nor our expectations of you") I told her that what I have missed about church over the past couple of years is experiencing God's presence in a group setting. I said that I was even planning on going to a Presbyterian church near my house this coming Sunday because I missed being with God in church not because I felt I needed to earn God's approval or give the impression that I'm in a good (read: socially acceptable) spiritual place.

After I hung up with her, I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about where I am spiritually. I decided that I needed to sit J. and P. down and just have a dialogue about the spiritual place I've been in for the past 3 or so years. I haven't talked to them before now because it's been only recently that I have been able to make at least some sense of it all. Only now have I been able to semi-intelligently explain where I'm at.

I'll admit, it's kind of a funky place. I realize that some may think it's a bad place. I think it's just a place. A place that will eventually lead to another place. I refuse to beat myself up for being in this place or feel compelled to make it appear as if I'm not in this place.

Remember when I told you about the time in my life when I didn't always give to Caesar's what was Caesar's? We'll about 5 years ago, I started to feel guilty about those transgressions and wondered if God would have me to go back and make amends. I knew that this would probably mean financial ruin for me. I was scared to trust God in that way and decided against it. This has had a profound effect on me spiritually. I felt that I had failed God for not trusting him enough and that I was a poor excuse for a Christian. Every time I went to church I was reminded of how I couldn't meet what I felt were God's expectations of me. Eventually I stopped going. (P. said she felt bad for me (read: pity) because it was like I had given up.)

I now realize that those feelings were not beneficial to me at all. I feel like God has brought me back to square one, the foundation of my faith -- God's love and acceptance of me is not dependant upon my performance, my salvation is made secure not by how many rules and regulations I can meet but by what Christ did for me on the cross. I buck now any time I feel the pressure of requirements (like going to church every Sunday) being placed on me.

That's not to say I don't think there is a benefit to making the sacrifice to be at church on Sunday mornings. The idea that God blesses us for the sacrifices we make for him is not lost on me. But I want to make those sacrifices out of a love for God and not because I feel it's the way to gain His acceptance.

Besides, I can't do requirements right now. If my relationship with God is dependant upon me meeting a set of requirements (and in my heart, I know it isn't) then I'm in big trouble. I must admit that I still struggle under the burden of unmet expectations. But that's just an indication that I need an even deeper understanding of God's love for me. I am a work in progress. It's a slow work but a progressing one.

Am I rambling?

Here's the bottom line: I am in a funky spiritual place. A place where I am trying to get a stronger handle on God's unconditional love for me. It's a place where I refuse to be motivated by what I think a good Christian should do or by what other's expect of me. All spiritual activities will come from a place of love and from a desire to be close to God. I refuse to apologize for being where I am nor do I care to make it appear that I am somewhere else. I am not in a bad place. I have not turned my back on God. And I am acutely aware that God has not left me for a minute. I am (and always have been) safe in His hands. One day, I will be in another spiritual place. I will rise from the ashes, so to speak. But when I do, I don't want to be the same person that I was 5 years ago. That person tried way too hard to please others and earn God's acceptance. The person that I will become will not be recognizable. Oh, there may be parts of me that are familiar to others but there will also be significant parts of me that will be completely different. I will have the same basic beliefs but the way I exercise them will not be the same as in the past.

I'm not sure my friends are ready for that.

Angel

Confessions

• Sometimes, when we end our phone calls "early" (and by early I mean before I'm ready to get off the phone, even if it's 1 a.m.), I feel -- let's see, what's the right word? -- irrational disappointment. Maybe sometimes a little anger too. Irrational anger. I call these feelings irrational because 1.) The world does not revolve around me 2.) Who wants to stay on the phone all night? 3.) You are allowed (no, encouraged) to have other interests besides me. Since I realize these feelings are irrational, I do my darnedest to hide them from you because I don't want you to ever feel bad for wanting to end our conversation because you are tired, hungry or simply want to go do something else. Besides, any woman who would be seriously upset at her man for wanting to get off the phone for any of the aforementioned reasons is a psycho bitch.

• I recently realized that my fears that you will find someone else have nothing to do with you and your past and has everything to do with me and my fear of being abandoned. I never thought that my biological father divorcing my mom and hightailing it back to Jamaica ever had much of an effect on me. Whenever I thought of him, I always experienced an absence of feeling, a nothingness. I took this as a sign that I really had no emotional issues concerning my biological father. I now see that his leaving instilled in me an expectation and a fear that I will be abandoned. Forgive me, sweetie, for projecting my fears onto you.

• Approximately 99.9% of my friends think that my relationship with you is a sin. Let me repeat that statistic again. 99.9%. This has been a tremendous emotional burden for me, much more so than I have let on, mainly because I have been inclined to agree with them. I've searched the Internet for various religious perspectives on the issue of marrying someone who has not had a salvation experience and there are a few clergy out there who would side with what we're doing but the vast majority think we are headed down the wrong path. The vast majority. Sometimes I think I might buckle under the pressure of that knowledge. But deep down inside I know that we are really good together and possess something that could last a lifetime. I also know that God loves me (and you) no matter what and that my salvation is secure in Him. Those are the things that keep me going.

• From the first day that we starting talking, I have wanted to change you - change the way you see yourself and the pessimistic way in which you see the world around you. Whenever I have dispensed advice, it has always been with the expectation and hope that you would metamorphose into this confident, self-assured person. It has been only recently that I have started to come to terms with the fact that the desire to change you is highly detrimental to our relationship. What I want to learn to do is to offer encouragement when needed but more than anything to love and accept you in all of your imperfections, just as you do me.

That horny time of month

Me: Last night, I had an awesome orgasm fantasizing about you doing very dirty things to me. Did I tell you I'm on my period?

D: LOL! I could have guessed. You don't know how bad I want to give you those orgasms with my tongue, fingers and cock.

Me: Mmmm. You have no idea how wet that makes me. I love it when you talk dirty.

D: I love doing it because I know how hot you get.

Me: My clit is throbbing right now imagining me moving my hips against your mouth and tongue. It also makes me hot thinking about putting your rock hard cock in my mouth and sucking it until you spill your warm cum down my throat. I don't plan to waste a drop.

D: !!! God, my dick is so hard right now it's a shame.

Me: Just the way I like it! I want to suck it like it's the last dick on earth. Will you let me do that and then cum in my mouth?

D: AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT.

Me: Something to ponder while at work: imagine me on my knees under your desk, your cock sliding in and out of my mouth while you process checks. And no one is the wiser.

D: They're going to suspect something if I start yelling , "Make me cum, Angel!"

Me: LOL. And it would be my pleasure. As you know, I live to make you cum.

D: I am so lucky to have you.

Me: Yes, you are! Now go enjoy your day.

A Look Back: the beginning of our relationship

Hi Angel,

Just checking in after a long week. It's weird, Angel, but I feel like I've known you all my life. We really do seem to have the same personalities. I have definitely been looking for love and acceptance and validation that I'm special for as long as I can remember. I usually trace it back to losing my mother when I was 10, but there are so many more issues that go along with it. I look forward to you feeling comfortable and telling me a little about your history, I am very eager to learn what has happened in your life to take you to this point, and I want to compare it to what's happened to me to lead me to where I am.

This is the point where I leave my phone number and tell you to call me when you have time to talk, but I always get nervous for no good reason. Probably that acceptance thing--because if you call and I'm too nervous to have a good conversation, then I will feel bad, like I let you down. But that's silly, because that presumes that I have to perform well and have the greatest conversation in history in order to impress you, and you haven't done anything to indicate that I have to do that...anyway I'm blabbing again, so if you want to call me sometime, my home number is (555) 555-5555.

D

My thoughts on our weekend together

• We spent our most recent weekend together the way we spend most of our visits: alone - just the two of us, spoiling each other with undivided attention and isolated from the outside world. As much as I enjoy the solitary love nest we create when we're together, I realize that this is not at all healthy nor is it a representation of everyday life. I think it is important that we explore our relationship within the context of multiple settings not just one. On our next visit, I would like for us to engage in activities outside of our residences. We could go out to dinner or to a movie, go bowling, get together with our respective friends, play poker. There are any number of things we could do that would serve to strengthen our relationship and allow us to get to know each other in a new and different way.


• A situation arose during this trip that forced us to use our communication and conflict resolution skills for the first time and I must say that I am very pleased with the way we handle everything. However, the incident was a reminder to me that despite how long we've been together (approximately 16 months), our relationship is still very untested. We've yet to have our first argument (I don't think this past weekend qualifies) and we've never had to tackle any significant problems together. This concerns me a little. I don't want to walk down the aisle unless I am reasonably certain that we have what it takes to conquer whatever life throws at us.


• The "make-up sex" after our little conflict was absolutely terrific. I reacted with puppy dog enthusiasm when you commanded me to take off my panties and lie on my stomach because I knew a spanking was in store. With each stinging swat, my desire grew more intense until eventually I was raising my hips to meet your hand. You finished me off with a finger-fuck from behind. Delicious!


• In the book that I have on long-distance relationships, the author mentions that it is completely normal to experience mixed emotions about leaving your partner. He explains that, oftentimes, once the need for intimacy has been satisfied, we become anxious to refocus on the world we live in. This is the way I felt during our last few hours together. While I was sad about the impending separation, I was ready to get back to my day-to-day life. The funny thing is though, once I had kissed you goodbye and pulled out of the airport parking lot, I was ready to have you back.

Sexual inspiration via text

Me: Tell me something sexy, something that will make me wet.

D: I was actually sitting here on the train fantasizing about laying you down on my couch with scented candles all around and sucking your clit until you came.

Legit. I swear I was thinking just that.

Me: That's it! That's what I'm looking for. I can't wait to cum all over your chin then lick my juices off of you.

D: Boy, all of a sudden it's hot on this train! I can't wait to make you as wet as the ocean all night long.

Me: I wish you were here to see how wet you're making me now!

D: Oh, I have a good idea.

Me: I just had a very nice orgasm. Thank you.

D: You're welcum.

Depression

D: Part of the reason I have been teetering on the edge of depression is because I don't feel man enough to be married to you. I haven't finished school yet and I work a piece of shit job that can't support us.

Me: Baby, when we get married, we would be a team. Whatever goals we set for our family unit, we would achieve together. And that may mean I will have to be the primary breadwinner while you work and finish school.

D: I would feel like I'm not doing my part.

Me: As long as you go to work everyday and be the conscientious employee that I know you are and then go to class, study and make decent grades, then you are doing your part to make a better life for us. My part would be to work and keep the household running smoothly so you can focus on school.

D: You don't see that as unfair?

Me: No, fairness is not always measured in dollars and cents. It can be measured in sweat. If you're not doing the work to hold up your end of the bargain, then that would be unfair.

D: Well, maybe if you told me that while you were here, holding me, then I would feel better. I could just be depressed because I miss you.

Dreams

D: I miss you so much that I dreamed you were on the phone with me and you were telling me how hard it was to navigate the streets of Chicago, and how you just missed a street. I was like, "It sounds like you're here in town right now or something," and you said you were. I was thrilled but then started running around because I had to clean up my place, and you said don't worry, you got us a nice room for the weekend so we can roll around in that king-size bed you told me about. You said you were on my way to my house now but just to pick me up for dinner and you said to have my bag packed. Then I woke up. It was a really realistic dream, and I can't tell you how much I wish it were true.

And my second dream for some reason involved hanging out with Keith Olbermann and going around with him watching him tell various friends that he just had a vasectomy or his nuts removed, I forget which. I have absolutely no explanation for that.

A disagreement over disagreeing

Me: So do you feel too that there is more getting to know each other we have to do?

D: Not necessarily. I think we're both kinda waiting to see each other's angry side or when we're in a bad mood, but maybe this will be one of those relationships like we dream about, where we can't get mad at each other because we love each other so much and don't want to upset our partner. Other than that, I don't think there's anything potentially in the way of us as far as getting to know each other. I think I know you very well, and I cannot get enough of you.

Me: To me, that is not a dream relationship. That is a recipe for creating repressed anger and resentment which is detrimental to any relationship. My dream relationship is one where we have disagreements, some of them major, but we resolve them in a healthy manner. That serves to build up the relationship instead of tear it down. So please, don't hold back from me because you don't want to upset me. Bring your issues to the surface so 1.) Anger and resentment won't build up and 2.) So that we can practice resolving issues in a healthy manner.

D: I respectfully disagree. I understand where you're coming from, but what I mean to say is, a dream relationship where we refuse to get angry or bent out of shape when a disagreement comes about because we know it's not worth it. I'm not talking about disagreeing with you but not bringing it up because I don't want to start a fight, I'm talking about continuing to love and cherish you while disagreeing with you and not making any issue a big deal because I'm just not able to get mad at you. That's my dream relationship. Is that holding back and repressing and I just don't see it?

Me: I do agree that you need to pick and choose your battles. And a lot of relationships/marriages would be better served if both parties chose not to sweat the small stuff. But I also honestly believe that two people in a healthy relationship should have battles from time to time. If you do not, then that is an indicator that something is wrong.

Scenarios Where I Would or Would Not Let an Argument Drop

• You leave your dirty underwear on the floor - I might let that go (meaning I'll bring it up but won't make a big deal out of it.)
• You make a big purchase without my consent. - I would not let that go.
• You monopolize the remote - I might let that go.
• You want to spend Christmas with your folks and I want to spend Christmas with mine - I would not let that go.
• You refuse to wear anything but white socks at all times - I. . .would eventually let that go.
• You feel I'm spending too much time at work and I feel that time is what my job demands. - I would not let that go and I hope you wouldn't either.
  

Does that help to clarify things more?

D: I think we both agree on the points and issues that are too big to ignore discussing, but I'm still not going to have arguments about any of that because we should be able to talk and come to conclusions about them. I just have a hard time imagining getting so mad at you that we have a long, ongoing disagreement about anything. I know we're not always going to see eye to eye on everything, but there's a difference between that and arguing in my opinion.

Me: I have to warn you though that when I get emotional, I may not always handle things in a mature manner and that may very well lead to arguments. I vow to try my darnedest to keep those incidents to a minimum, and apologize when I'm in the wrong. Eventually, I will calm down and be able to discuss things in a healthy and productive way. In the meantime, you may have to ride out the storm.

D: I will vow to try my darnedest to not take it personally, because that's my big weakness. You've already warned me that you can get emotional and heated, so it's not like I won't anticipate it happening. But in order to ride out the storm, I have to overcome the voices in my head that say, "See? She thinks you're scum just like everyone else, you loser." You wouldn't say that, but my brain filters criticism that way, which is probably why I want my ideal relationship to be argument-free, as unrealistic as that is.

A thinly veiled joke

Me: Do you have any idea how long I have been up? I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 1:30 with indigestion (too much shrimp and baked potato). I have been up every since reading old posts on my [other blog]. Now the sun is starting to come up. I better hurry up and go back to bed before that thing is out in full force! Good night.

D: It sounds like you needed a wild Saturday night, and your dining options provided it! Well, as wild as it gets for you. I'm surprised you didn't have your friend Margarita there since you can always go for one, lol. Well, you will have a slow Sunday now, with lots of naps, so enjoy and relax. Wish I could be there.

Me: "I'm surprised you didn't have your friend Margarita there since you can always go for one, lol." Is that an attempt to veil your fears or disapproval in a joke? Honest question.

D: It was a cheap shot veiled in a joke that I shouldn't have taken, and I apologize. I wasn't thinking when I said it, but I guess I was still thinking of your blog comment. I know you don't drink often, but I guess I have a bit of a problem with any drinking, and I need to get over it because it's not a big deal.

Me: Thanks for being honest. I really appreciate that. Apology accepted! To me drinking is fine (even Jesus turned water into wine) as long as it's done in moderation. To describe my drinking habits as moderate would be an understatement. I've never been drunk before and I can count the number of drinks I've had this year on two fingers -- and one of those drinks was with you.

D: Which is why your statement caught me by surprise, and why I'm still struggling a little bit with it. Next to "I can always go for an orgy," it was the last thing I ever expected you to say.

Me: You just haven't gotten a chance to see me in an environment where I drink. The more time you spend around me you'll learn that, when I can afford it, I like to have a Margarita when I go to Mexican restaurants and when I'm at a club (which is rare) I'll have a Cosmopolitan or a Smirnoff Ice.

A text exchange later that day.

Me: Have a good day at work boo. Mommy loves you!

D: Daddy loves Mommy too. And Daddy apologizes again for being a dope.

Me: Will Daddy please stop beating himself up. You've already apologized once and Mommy hasn't given it a second thought.

D: You know beating myself up is my favorite pastime. I'll try to stop.

Me: Mommy prefers to think about you beating on Mr. Happy until you spray your warm cum all over her tits. Mmm, Mommy may have to stick her hand down her panties.

D: Bad Mommy. Very naughty Mommy.

Marriage

Me: Do you feel ready to be married? Like today? If I said, "Let's go to Vegas on your next day off and get hitched", would you be up for it?

I was thinking about the girl I sat next to on the plane ride up there and how her boyfriend has his house up for sale in Chicago. And I was also reading a blog today of a woman in Chicago who is dating a man in New York. She is moving to NYC to be with him.

Of course none of these people are getting married right away but there's no way I can afford to move to Chicago unless we are living together. And I don't wan't to live together without the benefit of marriage. So that means, in order to be together sooner, we would have to forgo the wedding and just get hitched.

Do you feel like you are ready for that? (It's okay if you're not; I'm not sure if I'm even ready) And if not, why not? What else do you feel needs to take place?


D: Well, as much as I fantasize about you being my wife, I'd have to say that yes, I'm ready to marry you. Of course, I want to wait until I'm financially ready to get you the ring you want so I can propose the right way, but yeah, if you dared me to marry you on the spot, I'd call your bluff. I don't see any downside to it for me. The woman I love and who represents so many good changes I've made to my personality over the last year being my official wife? Yippee!! I honestly don't think you would have the stomach, though. You can't even give me a blow job without a doctor's note, and you're going to marry me on a whim? I wouldn't pressure you like that because when you do marry me, I want it to be something you definitely 100% want to do. But yes, sweetheart, I want you for eternity, and I'm ready.

Me: Lol! Okay, ponder this for a moment. [Your ex-girlfriend] Sarah has had how many sexual partners? And you had unprotected sex how many times with people you didn't know? Damn skippy I'm asking you for a doctor's note! And you should want one from me as well. You shouldn't trust what I tell you. Not when it's your life at stake.

But yes, this just proves that I don't do big things on a whim. When I make a big decision, it is well thought out (possibly over-analyzed) and most likely, I have a detailed list of how my decision should be carried out.

D: I'm sorry honey. I think you misunderstood why I said that you wouldn't give me a blow job without a doctor's note. I'm not questioning your decision at all, it's very smart, I was just pointing out that you're an extremely ordered person and you have stages in your mind that we should be taking, so I know you're not ready to jump to the stage of marriage right this moment. I'm honored you would even want to, though.

Me: You're right. I misunderstood. Forgive me!

D: You're forgiven. BTW, predictably, I woke up with a raging hard-on and all the time in the world to relax and do whatever I wanted, so Mr. Happy was happy for the first time since you last saw him. The porno I watched featured some cunnilingus, so I've been daydreaming about sticking my tongue all the way inside your twat.

Me: Mmmmm. You're making me hot!

Lessons learned

D: I don't just miss you baby, so does my mouth, my hands, and my fingers. And Mr. Happy is sad too.

Me: My body misses you too. I'm surprised Mr. Happy isn't glad to be rid of me. Now he doesn't have to feel pressure to perform.

D: Honey, my dick would be tired and I'd be worried that it was done, but when you would touch it or play with it, it would get hard for you.

Me: It certainly came a lot for me. I was glad for that. And my hair has a silky sheen to it. ;) Mmmm. All this talk is making me hot for you again. You know how wet you make me.

D: I know. I loved slowing my fingers down and then speeding them back up and making you wet all over again.

Me: What else did you discover about my body this weekend?

D: Your ass can really take a pounding! And you've been working on relaxing your vaginal muscles to allow deeper penetration.

Me: Or maybe I concentrated on being more relaxed. Did you learn anything from me touching myself?

D: Yes, lol. That you're so tense in my presence that you can't even make yourself cum.

Me: LOL! So sad but so true.

A reply

Dear Angel:

I just read your naughty blog and it was so intense and personal that I'm sweating. I feel so happy and fortunate that I am with a woman who feels such desire for me and for sexuality in general. The reason a weekend with no plan worked out so well is because you are so eager to enjoy our experiences together, and in turn, that makes me very eager to show you sensations that I think you would enjoy, like the massage-oil fingering, as well as things I knew you would enjoy, like your punishment. And I really, really love the fact that we are doing things in stages, introducing each other to new things with each visit. Eventually I'm going to get to a doctor and get declared clean, and the visit after that will involve oral play, and we'll have even more fun. I'm wondering what will happen when I'm sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed and you're straddling my head and I'm sucking on your clit while reaching back and punishing you. Perhaps that will make you cum? Perhaps not? Either way, we'll enjoy ourselves. And the first time you take my member in your mouth and make my entire body tingle, I will never forget it. I'm delighted to read how I make you feel on your blog, and believe me, you make me feel just as good. And baby, the fun has just begun.

Love,

D

The benefits of having no plan

Dear D:

I just wanted to let you know what a wonderful time I had with you on my recent visit. When I bought my plane ticket 2 months ago, our visit seemed like a million years away. But the time went by fairly quickly and before I knew it, I was packing my bags to come see you.

As usual, I had butterflies in my stomach. You would think that after 14 months, being in your presence would be old hat but it's not. I still bubble over with school-girl excitement at the very idea of seeing you. And like a little kid on Christmas morning, I almost exploded with anticipation wondering how our visit would go sexually.

You always say that I should not plan out our time together, that I should relax and let things happen naturally. Well, I took your advice. My plan for our visit was to not have a plan and to see what would happen as a result. I was not disappointed. Our physical encounters were more intense because they were not forced. The no-plan plan of action also allowed for some pleasant surprises for both of us.

Since Saturday was to be full of activity and Sunday would probably be a day of recuperation, I had suspected that Friday night, our first night together, would be our best opportunity for physical interaction. It was not. We opted for much needed sleep instead. I wasn't altogether surprised (or bothered) by this. I was surprised, however, by what happened the next morning.

As we lay in bed, enjoying our last few minutes of spooning before hitting the ground running, you announced that I have been a very naughty girl and, like all naughty girls, I must be punished. You then proceeded to pull down my panties and spank me until my ass was red, warm and tingly all while planting soft, sensual kisses on the back of my neck.

I was in heaven. The sting of your licks coupled with the those luscious kisses was enough to make my pussy so wet that I ruined your sheets. I won't apologize for that because I firmly believe that there's no better way to ruin a set of silk sheets than by fulfilling your girlfriend's life-long sexual fantasy.

And I wasn't the only one who had a fantasy fulfilled.

I've known for a while that you have longed to watch me masturbate but I've often felt too self-conscious to indulge you. On our last night together, I got up the courage to pleasure myself in front of you albeit with the lights off.

For several minutes you watched as I writhed and squirmed under my own touch. Eventually though, you took over and made me feel sensations the intensity of which I had never felt before. I meant it when I said that it was the best vaginal play that I had ever experienced. And I have you to thank for it.

Had I stuck with my usual m.o. of determining which sexual acts we would engage in beforehand, our time together would not have been nearly as satisfying. What we had instead was a wildly enjoyable and intensely pleasurable visit. It was the perfect trip. A trip that couldn't have gone any better had I planned it.

Blind Trust

Me: Today, I was reading a blog post about long-distance relationships. It mentioned that you have to trust your partner "blindly", which is something that I have learned and am continuing to learn. Every now and then though I'll have thoughts like I did this afternoon when I called you. "Was he talking to someone else when I called?" "Is he pursuing someone else?" But then I am reminded that if this is going to work then blind trust is required. I wish that I didn't have to have these battles. I wish I was the epitome of confidence and security and negative thoughts like that never crossed my mind. But they do and I have to bat them down. Do you ever find yourself consistently fighting these types of battles or am I really off my rocker?

D: I was fighting the exact same battle waiting for your return call. I was really hoping you weren't taking some time off before you visit me to satisfy your lover down in Memphis. When you called, my tape of last year's [NBA] Finals was on, so I had trouble hearing what you were saying. I wasn't talking to anyone. Look, we both are scared shitless of putting our hearts in someone else's hands, you because you've been so cautious and don't want to screw up now, and me because I've been so hopeful that I found the one before and I can't stand the thought of getting messed up again. There's nothing wrong with feeling some concern inside. It shows that you're not stupid. I don't know if there's anything I can say to prove to you 100% that your heart is safe with me, and I don't know if there's anything you can do either. We just have to figure out how to arrive at that "blind" level mutually. It's just a matter of time, and of closeness, because it's damn near impossible to trust anyone as far away as we are. I hope you're still willing to work on it. I know I am.

Pornography and Contradictions

I am a woman who possesses strong convictions (being born and raised in the Bible Belt will do that to you.) But despite my deeply held beliefs, I am also a woman whose actions consistently defy those beliefs. No where is this fact more evident than in the way I view pornography.


I have a love-hate relationship with pornography. There are some aspects of it that I find titillating (like the sex) but there are other aspects (the degradation of women and the disparity in the way black porn actress are treated on film as opposed to white actresses) that absolutely disgust me and offend me at the highest levels. But when I am feeling particularly horny, I won't hesitate to watch a porno. I hate this about myself.


D. watches porn pretty regularly and has a collection of about 40 tapes. This bothers me more than I let on. If this relationship is moving towards marriage, and I think it is, then I would prefer, once the I do's are said, that pornography not be a part of our union. I just think it would make for a much healthier sex life. But how can I expect D. to give up pornography when I haven't been able to do the same? That's not just contradictory, it's hypocritical.

I won't apologize for my contradictions. It's part of what makes me who I am. But, in this instance, I do need to learn how to deal with the pornography issue in a way that won't be detrimental to my relationship. Or my psyche.

Sexual Fantasies

Me: At 4 o'clock this morning, I was having an orgasm to a fantasy where we were spooning on your bed and you we finger-fucking me from behind. Occasionally, you threw in a stinging slap to my ass. That makes 5 orgasms in 2 days. What did I say about not overdoing it? I'm such a nympho. And you turn me on so incredibly. It's all your fault! I hope you've had an explosive morning.

D: I had a very explosive morning, and I hope you're secure enough so that I can tell you that it was from a dream that didn't involve you. As always, I fell asleep thinking of you and wishing you were with me. But I watched those women's wrestling matches, and as a result the dream I was having this morning was that I was in a situation, perhaps a strip club, where other people were in the room and I was sitting back in a chair while a naked woman with a sculpted body kept grinding on me and begging me to fuck her, but as hard as I was, I couldn't because I would be cheating on you. I suppose that's a good sign, that even in my dreams with a hot bod begging for it, I was refusing to give it to her. But when I woke up, I was extremely aroused and had to release myself. I think if I hadn't, I'd be thinking about this mythical woman all day, and I'd feel guilty. So we're both nymphos, lol. BTW, I'm sure you have fantasies about people other than me, and I have no problem with that whatsoever. It's human nature. I'll probably dream tonight about spooning you and letting your clit ride up and down my leg while I smack your ass so hard we hear echoes. Or at least I'll be fantasizing about it all day. Take care!

Me: Color me weird, but I try not to have fantasies that don’t involve you in some form or fashion. I’m not the kind of person that can have someone else as the object of my desires and not be affected emotionally. Not normally anyway. Now I will get turned on by watching two people on screen going at it and I may fantasize about it later but I’m not usually injecting myself in the situation. I guess that might be the same thing

D: I would actually encourage you to have fantasies that don't involve me. I would think it unhealthy if you have to stifle every attraction you have or ever had to someone else just because you now have a boyfriend. Do you ever have fantasies where you are trying to think only of me but someone else you find attractive keeps popping up, so to speak? Sometimes I am thinking of you, and someone else comes into my mind, so I take that as a sign that right now it's time to fantasize about someone else, and I will get back to you later. How do you feel about that? Honest.


Me: This would normally be a part of myself that I would stifle for fear of rejection or fear of appearing to be judgemental, which I'm not trying to be, but I feel it's necessary to offer an explanation as to why I stifle fantasies involving other people. And I think you deserve to know about that part of myself.

You've heard of the commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery" right? Well later in the scriptures Jesus is talking to the Jewish religious leaders of that time and basically tells them that although they have not slept with women other than their wives, they have entertained such thoughts in their hearts and that is the same as committing adultery, in God's eyes at least although it certainly doesn't have the same consequences.

Since one of my big things is having a healthy relationship and marriage, I'm trying to build habits now that I think will help down the road. I understand that not everybody has this conviction and it's not something that I would try to force on you. It's just an explanation of why I do what I do.

I don't want you to feel that you can't talk about your fantasies with me. As far as consequences go, there is a definite difference between thoughts and actions and I think it's important for us to create an environment where we both feel comfortable discussing these things.

How I feel is that even though I temper my fantasies, this is not something I'm going to bust your chops about. And I want you to continue to be open with me about your thoughts and feelings.

Now. How do you feel about all this? Honest.

D: I'm sure I will be showing my ignorance towards religion and your beliefs, but I can't imagine practically applying the notion of not even entertaining the thought of being with someone else without building up a resentment for your partner and/or an exaggerated attraction for the other person you want to think about. Maybe we don't operate the same way, but if I tried to put a shackle on my brain when it comes to thinking about another woman, I would run a deep risk of succumbing to temptation if the offer came because I would have those thoughts that I wasn't able to think all the way through and fantasize about and I'd be hard-pressed to keep them hidden any longer. But I really feel that releasing myself thinking about someone I'm attracted to makes me healthy in the mind because now I won't walk around all day or for several days having flashes of someone else involuntarily going through my mind. I haven't thought about that dream since I woke up and masturbated to it. But if I didn't do that, I'd still have a hard-on and I'd feel tortured. So that's where I stand. Do you think I'm weak because of that?

Me: No, baby, I think you're human. I guess I'm able to stifle my fantasies and be OK with it because I don't necessarily see that deprivation as a threat to our relationship. Yes, I have wanted to fantasize about people that I'm attracted to and, for me, entertaining those thoughts feels more like a threat. Choosing not to entertain those thoughts diffuses it for me.

D: You don't think there's going to be resentment towards me if you're constantly trying to rechannel every fantasy you have into something involving me? Don't you think that's potentially unhealthy?

Me: No, I don't feel the least bit resentful so therefore I don't feel that it's unhealthy. If I did notice myself feeling resentful, my first instinct would be to try and change my perspective on the situation. But that's just me.

This dialogue we are having is good. If we are going to meld two different spiritual perspectives into a healthy, happy relationship there HAS to be lots of communication and mutual respect.

Does this make you have doubts about being with me?

D: No, not at all. I just worry that you're trying to funnel all of your fantasies and thoughts into me and only me, and that just seems wrong to me. I am not the beginning and ending of your sexual thoughts. I'm worried that you'll injure your brain trying to force it to see me as your only object of desire.

Me: I haven't injured it yet. In fact, it gets quite turned on by you.

A naughty text exchange

Me: Your masturbation video inspired me to spend my afternoon having orgasms. I need to pace myself. I don't want to be all orgasmed out by the time I get to Chicago.

D: Go with the flow. I don't expect you to pull back for 2 weeks.

Me: No, I'm gonna try to not overdo it. It's just a substitute for what I really want - your touch. My body knows that it won't be long before I'm furiously riding your fingers and it's getting antsy.

D: I'm anticipating furiously jacking you as well.

Me: And we shall not forget Mr. Happy. He shall be made happy over and over again. You're not trying to work are you? :)

D: Uh, not any more, LOL.

Me: I was just engrossed in a fantasy involving me wearing pigtails, you and Mr. Bear. There may have been thumb sucking.

D: See, you're trying to give me inappropriate erections again. No fair that girls can't get boners!

Me: I know. It's an unjust world isn't it?

Me: Wouldn't you like Daddy's little girl to take care of that erection for you?

D: ABSOLUTELY!

Me: BTW, I am DRIPPING wet right now! I haven't been this wet since we went to second base for the first time. Waste of good lubrication with me here and you there.

D: We'll just have to work hard to get you to that level when you come here. And I'm going to put someone's eye out when I stand up.

Me: LOL. Don't you just love this time of month? One of these days I'm going to send one of these dirty texts to the wrong damn cell phone.

Me: Won't you be glad when you can come home after one of these sessions and fuck me like the horny wench that I am?

D: It will be awesome to come home and show you just how hard you make me.

Me: I. Can't. Wait. I'm grinding my hips into the bed just thinking about it.